Don't Fight It

Part 2

The strength of his reaction that day in the rehearsal studio, and the increasing difficulty of suppressing those traitorous feelings, left Hongbin reeling and distressed. Consequently, he threw himself into concert rehearsal - dancing harder, singing more passionately, staying later, obsessively perfecting details - blinding himself to everything but his desire to put on a perfect show for his beloved Starlights. He was so single-minded in his determination that he didn't notice the looks his members exchanged; at first impressed and inspired by his obviously increased effort, then worried as he pushed himself past exhaustion and began to make mistakes.

With three days to go before the first show, N walked into Hongbin's room as everyone was getting ready before they left for morning practice.

"Hongbin-ah," Hakyeon began gently as he guided the younger member to sit on the bed & pulled up the high-end computer chair, designed for gaming, to sit in front of him. "You're going to sit out today."

Startled and confused, Hongbin anxiously asked, "Why? Did I do something wrong? Have I not been working hard enough? I can-"

"It's the exact opposite problem, Bin-ah," N cut him off with a hand on his dongsaeng's knee, shaking his head. "You've been working way too hard. It was good to see, at first. Your energy and passion made the rest of us work harder, too, and we're well prepared as a result. But I haven't seen you take a break longer than it takes to use the bathroom in the last four or five days, you barely eat, and I know you only sleep an hour or two a night lately because you stay to practice after we leave, then come home and watch the recordings until 5 am."

As his concerned leader paused to take a breath, Binnie started to interject in protest, "But hyung-"

N talked right over him, squeezing the chair's arms as if to prevent himself from trying to shake some sense into Binnie. "Have you actually paused to look at yourself in the mirror yet today? Our makeup artists would have to work hard to make your skin look normal and cover up your dark circles. Frankly, you need several days of rest, but since technical rehearsals start tomorrow, you've only got today to pull yourself together."

When Hongbin opened his mouth again, Hakyeon preempted him with a raised hand, halting the younger's excuses. "No 'buts,'" N commanded sternly, becoming more agitated and ardent as he spoke. "I've already discussed it with the managers and they won't let you get in the van. If you take the subway or a taxi, you'll be kicked out of the practice room. You're ordered to stay home, sleep, eat, and relax. I know you want to put on the best show possible for our Byulbits, we all do, but you can't do that if you're about to collapse. Understand?"

Hongbin was quiet, looking at his hands - trembling ever so slightly in his lap - and recognized that N was right: he was running on fumes. Now that he'd been forced to confront it, he could feel the exhaustion weighing down his limbs and realized it was hard to think past the cotton in his head. But stopping, resting - that meant he'd have time to think...time to feel; and that scared him more than he cared to admit. But he knew Hakyeon wouldn't be doing this if he and the rest of the group weren't truly worried, and that no one would be able to do their best for the concerts in that state.

Beyond his door, he heard the everyday sounds of his friends getting ready: Ken belting out Hot Enough in the shower; Hyuk badgering Ravi to hurry up and finish eating so they could leave first to practice their special stage. He could picture Leo sitting on the couch, letting the normal chaos wash over him as he tried to catch a few more minutes of sleep. They'd manage without him for a day; it wasn't like he'd be skipping the actual concerts.

Hongbin closed his eyes with a long sigh, then looked up at N, whose face was still set in a resolute grimace. "Alright," Binnie relented, "I get it and...you're not wrong. I've been having trouble sleeping, so can I at least got out to the pharmacy and get something to help?"

N regarded him closely for several moments, attempting to gauge whether or not his dongsaeng was trying to find a way around his orders. But as he took in Hongbin's mussed hair, slouched posture, and slow blinking, unfocused eyes, his gaze softened. "Of course you can. You should get something to eat, too, or have it delivered. Something pretty healthy," he clarified, "not pizza or jajjangmyeon." Hongbin nodded wearily. "Do you need some lunch money?" VIXX's mother asked in a joking tone with a smile. Binnie looked up with a small smile of his own and pushed at the other man's shoulder. "It's settled, then," N stated as he rose and put the chair back. He turned severe again as he warned, "If you're not looking a lot better by tomorrow we'll only let you do one stage rehearsal, and if you collapse during the concert the five of us will put you in a coma if we have to. Got it?"

"Yes sir! Loud and clear," Hongbin replied with a mock salute. With one last look and a nod of confirmation, N turned and walked to the door. Before he opened it, however, Hongbin heard him say in a softer, entreating tone with his back to the room, "Bin-ah...we've all been dying to ask what's wrong, but I have a feeling you wouldn't tell us. Whatever you're trying to run from, it'll inevitably catch up. You can always talk to hyung, or ask me to find you some other kind of help. You have to take care of yourself, ok? We need you happy and healthy. Don't think too much today, just sleep well and enjoy some good food." With that, N walked out into the familiar mayhem and closed the door softly behind him.