Don't Fight It

Part 4

He awoke slowly, emerging from the fog of a dream about...Butt singing to him? It was slipping away now as he stretched and opened the curtain. Seeing how bright it was outside, he glanced at the clock and saw he'd slept for a solid five hours and that it was now lunch time. As he walked into the kitchen for a glass of water he realized he felt better already. Hongbin decided N's idea was a good one, and that some fresh air while he walked to his favorite kimbap restaurant would be a nice change. His stomach rumbled loudly at the thought of food and Binnie couldn't help but smile in relief and be glad everyone else was gone.

In comfortable jeans and a blue t-shirt with sneakers and sunglasses, he stepped outside, where the weather hinted at the changing seasons with hot sunlight relieved by a cool breeze. Fall - VIXX's season because so many of their dark concepts were perfect for Halloween - wasn't far away. The thought made Binnie smile a little as he tilted his head back to soak up the sun while he walked.

Children's laughter drew his attention, and he glanced over at the park he was passing. A group of kindergarten-aged children were playing tag as their parents looked on and chatted among themselves. "If only life could always be that simple," he wished wistfully. Watching a child fall and begin crying only to be scooped up and coddled by his father, Hongbin rhetorically wondered, "How great would it be if all our problems could be solved with a snack and a hug from a parent?"

Then, like a cloud covering the sun, his musings took a cynical turn. "Don't fall in love, kids. It's nothing but agony. Simple distraction and comfort won't work much longer." His beautiful, symmetrical features twisted into a scowl and he turned away to continue walking. He went about half a block, then stopped in his tracks so suddenly a person on their phone behind him bumped into his back with an annoyed huff as they moved, unnoticed, around him.

His thoughts raced and he bit his lip as he considered what he'd seen and felt a few minutes ago. "Maybe simple distraction and comfort COULD work?? Maybe It's just my perspective that's off." That's basically what he'd been trying to do, distract himself with concert preparation and wrap himself in a blanket of Starlights' love. But in a moment of clarity it dawned on him that he didn't actually want to be distracted or comforted, because if he allowed it to happen, it would be like giving up on the feelings that he craved even as he despised himself for having them. Hongbin began walking again, only a few blocks away from his goal, turning over this new self discovery in his mind.

He arrived at the restaurant, less busy than when he usually came on the weekends, and placed his order right away. Several minutes later he was munching away on his favorite tuna kimbap, happily absorbed in the flavors and sensation of filling his stomach for the first time in days, when another thought hit him mid-bite. "I've been fighting myself this whole time. I mean, I knew I was fighting my feelings, but not that I was actively, if unconsciously, resisting my own efforts."

An anime-like scene played in his head: lovestruck chibi Binnie prancing around with hearts in his eyes when serious, angularly handsome Hongbin comes out of nowhere to smack him across the room. Binnie looks up, betrayed, as Hongbin tells him to knock it off or get lost. Quick cut to their grimly determined faces as they stare each other down before an intense, no holds barred, fight begins. "No wonder I'm an exhausted mess," he murmured, deep in thought. When he imagined it like that, it was obvious what he'd been doing, and ridiculous.

As if the universe was sending him a message, Hyorin sunbaenim's version of "Let it Go" started playing and Hongbin sat back, his meal momentarily forgotten. "Could I do that? Let it go...not actually forget him, but just...accept it and let it be?" It would be hard. He'd gotten so used to immediately squashing any errant thoughts and feelings; it'd become a reflex to berate himself for any amorous emotions regarding that person and label them as a bad habit to be corrected. But if he could retrain himself to accept them instead of fighting them, give himself permission to feel without acting...then he might be able to find some semblance of sanity and normality again. And maybe - just maybe - when he stopped resisting, his heart would get used to it, let the feelings fade away, and he'd eventually be able to move on.

The very notion made him feel more at ease already. The memory of that day in the practice room came up again in his mind's eye, but this time he imagined it playing out differently. Instead of hastily shoving his love behind the mental barricade he'd created and the tension of keeping it there eating away at him, he saw himself taking a minute to revel in the warmth of the emotions, including the undeniable lust, as they coursed through him. He gave Binnie-in-the-memory permission to feel as much and as deeply as he could, then watched as the intensity of the moment passed and Binnie settled comfortably back into practice with the other five group members.

Smiling at the scene, he opened eyes he didn't remember closing and looked around. The sunlight suddenly seemed brighter, warmer, and the people around him looked friendlier. Looking down at his meal prompted his stomach to remind him it was still only partially full. Picking up his cola, Hongbin took a long drink and began chowing down with renewed vigor, determining to make a real effort to enact his new philosophy. Maybe he'd even work up the courage to tell everyone that he was working through some stuff and he'd need to take a few minutes for himself sometimes. Then they'd be less likely to ask questions and give him strange looks.

Walking back home, Hongbin felt lighter. Anyone who'd seen him walking to the restaurant would notice he was now significantly less tense and even smiling slightly, lending a bright, boyish cast to his handsome features. "Yes," he thought with an optimistic determination, "it'll be hard fighting the instinct to fight my feelings, but I'll learn. Things will be better from now on." He knew he'd sleep well tonight...after a few rounds of Overwatch. He did have the day off, after all.