Numb Pain

Chapter 11

Okay, so we have actually reached 16 votes. It's not official, yet a friend of mine said to count her vote until she can actually do it herself through signing-up. So voila, chapter 11! Updating at 17 votes! Thanks for supporting us, it means the world!

Songs used:

Just A Feeling - Maroon 5 (featured to the right)

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I stand, unknowing, wrapped in Jai's arms. His touch comforts me, though at the same time I am scared and insecure. I don't know why, after what he did to me last night, I have collapsed into his arms willingly. Perhaps it is because I know that, even if he himself is not safe, I am safe from everything but him whilst I am in his embrace. I keep my head buried in Jai's shoulder for too long, until he pushes me away in a sudden fit of rage. He's noticed the empty bottles sitting on the counter.

"Eleanor! What've you done?" he screams, his previous soft hold converted to a violent grip on my collar. The change in him only influences my cowardly reaction. Sobs yet again rise in my throat as I whisper,

"I'm sorry," I submit to his aggressive shaking as his nails tear across my skin, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!"

My voice fades to a desperate, quiet plea as the pressure on my shoulders forces me to my knees, hot tears stinging my cheeks, relentlessly worsening the pain of my swollen eyes and bruised flesh. I curl into a ball, though it only slightly lessens the impact of each throw to my body, and pray silently for it to end. Why, why does it always come back to this? I had nothing, I found Ethan, Jai went into hospital, Ethan left me, I had nothing, Jai loved me again, Ethan returned, Jai abused me, I left Ethan, I had nothing. My messed-up life is like a rollercoaster ride, only destined to end in a black hole of disgusting pity and disgrace.

Through the bottom of my stomach, I find a splitting scream of anger, yelling out, "Just make it stop!", pleading with Jai to have mercy and end it once and for all. His anger has only progressed into the blind fury I'm so used to witnessing, and he is deaf to my screams. I shut my eyes, numbing myself to every thought in my confused head, focusing only on the shattering pain that each connection of skin brings in it's torture.

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Only after what seems to be hours does Jai stop finding satisfaction in his fists and feet against every inch of my throbbing body, and I lift my head wearily  - oblivious to the solid, irregular beating through my brain. Though no further damage was taken by my eyes, they're still swollen and only reveal a soft slither of vision as I squint them open. Jai leans against the wall, heaving, though when I lift my focus to his face, I can barely believe the tears tracking their way across his cheeks. As much as I push, I cannot stand, and instead a broken voice escapes my throat.

"Jai," I squeak, reaching a feeble hand out towards his figure as he directs his gaze to my tired mess on the floor. His eyes, for once, are not alight with fury but rather softened with fear.

"What have I done to you?" his voice is barely a whisper as he appears to come to terms with the damage. "I'm a monster, I'm a monster," he repeats desperately, seeking some kind of forgiveness from superior forces. I flutter my gaze from his tired stature again to his eyes, willing him to come and comfort me. Rather the opposite, he turns and walks up the stairs, leaving me helpless on the cold stone floor.

JAI'S POV:

I take myself to the bathroom, the tears falling from my face. I look in the mirror. Look what I have become...a song beats into my head and I remember singing it softly to myself in the days that she ran away from me. Her monster.

I watched you cry

Bathed in sunlight

By the bathroom door

You said you wished you did not love me anymore

I splash my face with water, sniffing back the tears and straightening myself out. I look back into the mirror, remembering the past days where I would embrace her and she wouldn't tremble in my grip.

You left your flowers in the backseat of my car

The things we said and did have left permanent scars

Obsessed depressed at the same time

I can't even walk in a straight line

I've been lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

And that's when I fall down. I slump against the wall, grasp my head and begin to scream. The nightmares. Images flash through my head of her face, blood pouring down it and her eyes black. And that's when she turns into shadows. She's gone. My fists hit nothing. 

She cries

This is more than goodbye

When I look into your eyes

You're not even there

It's just a feeling

Just a feeling that I have

My screams cease. I am rocking back and forth, my body quivering violently and my face smeared with tears. My heart races as my pupils grow big with despair.

You've hit your low

You've lost control and you want me back

You may not believe me but I gave you all I had

Undress confess that you're still mine

Roll around in a bed full of tears

I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine

No sunshine

I don't know how long I lie there, and when I do stand up, it is dark. I'm lying in the dark. I drag my aching muscles down the stairs, afraid of what I might find. I look at her with regret. Walking over, I pick up her body bridal-style and carry her to the bed upstairs. She sobs softly into my shoulder once more and I forget my anger. I lie beside her, holding her as I stay mute, spaced out. I kiss her gently on the cheek and her body stops wracking with sobs gradually.

I rock her slowly until I feel her grow quiet. Her breathing becomes regular and I pull closer to her. I want to apologise, to give her some respect. But the words never leave my mouth. They are blocked by unknown barricades and my head shrieks for me to let her go. To let her escape. But I can't. She is my everything, and if I lose her, I'll lose any control I already have over the demon that consumes my fury each night. She sleeps in my arms, yet I don't, probing the darkness with my eyes until I am forced to submit to fatigue.

No sunshine, no sunshine.