『 thoughts 』 ✽ jenlisa

four

3.12.14

It's been a month now. Lisa's making progress with her exercise while I'm making progress on going to the afterlife. I can feel my body slowly dying but I'm trying to stay strong for Lisa. I can't leave her this way. There are times that I'll wake up in my hospital room without me knowing what's happening. I often get severe headaches and I faint occasionally. My body is giving up but I'm not.

It is time that I let you know what's happening to me... My brain is slowly dying. I have brain cancer, stage 3. I've already been through surgery once but it was to prevent it from spreading, not to fully kill it. I'm writing down every single thing, not leaving any detail, that's happening to me since a part of my brain is not functioning properly, which messes up my memory. I'm not afraid of dying, I actually accepted the fact that I will die. What I fear is the fact that it would affect Lisa. If I die, Lisa will suffer. She might get depressed and not be able to live a normal life.

My best option is to... break up with her... That way, it'll hurt less. She'll be hurt by the break-up, I know that as a fact, but not by my death. I wouldn't let her know that I died. Not even her friends. The only person that will know about this is my sister, Kim Jisoo. I'm sure that she'll help me. She's tired of seeing me suffer just to make my girlfriend happy. I already have a plan in mind. I just hope that nothing will go wrong.

❁

10.12.14

A week has passed and I planned everything now. Lisa is currently running on a treadmill. Her legs are completely fine now. They're still stiff but on the bright side, Lisa can now use them properly. I'm planning on breaking up with her today. My doctor told me that I don't have much time left. I have approximately 4 weeks to enjoy life. I haven't been able to get enough sleep since.

I walked up to Lisa and tapped her shoulder. "I want to tell you something..." I looked down at my feet. "What is it?" she asked, paying attention to the treadmill instead of me. "Let's talk about it when you're done." I tried to say it nonchalantly. Lisa hummed as a response, still running. I sighed as I walked away. Tears brimmed up my eyes, my breath started to get shaky. I shrugged off all the pain I was feeling and headed to the rooftop to get some fresh air.

I saw Lisa walking up to me with a smile on her face. A smile that I will no longer see in a few weeks. A smile that will disappear as soon as I told her the reason why we're here.

"Lisa..." I called her name and sighed. "What is it that you wanted to tell me?" she gave me a warm smile. "Let's... Let's break up." I looked at her eyes. She gave me an awkward laugh. "You're joking right...?" Her smile soon falters when she realized that I was serious. "B-but-but... why..?" tears started flowing down her cheeks. "I don't.. love you anymore." I tried to breathe properly but it came out shaky. "You know you're lying. I can see that you're hurt... I can still feel your love!" Lisa was shaking. "I... I fell in love with someone else. I'm sorry..." a tear escaped my eye.

Lisa slapped me. I deserved it. "You promised me that you won't leave me and now you're breaking up with me saying that you don't love me?! This is utter bullcrap, Jennie! I've spent my whole life with you, Jennie Kim. 20 fucking years! We've been together since birth!" She cried and ran her hand through her hair. I couldn't bring myself to talk so I just stood there, looking absolutely stupid. "You know what? Fine, let's break up. I'm so done with you. Jennie Kim, you fucked up so bad." and with that, she left.

I fell on my knees and cried my heart out. I didn't regret what I did since it's for her own good. I stayed at the rooftop till midnight. My sister came to fetch me and bring me home. "You're a tough kid Jennie. I'm so proud of you for being so strong." My sister sobbed as she held me in her embrace. "Too bad that I won't be able to hug you like this in a few weeks... But I'm happy for you. You won't suffer anymore. You don't have to act strong when in reality, you're giving up." I cried in my sister's arms, letting loose all the pain I kept inside.