『 thoughts 』 ✽ jenlisa

six

17.12.14

"What are you doing right now?"
"Do you hate me...?"
"Scratch that. More importantly... Do you still love me?"

My whole week was a mess. My monitor was going all weird and trippy. Nurses and doctors kept on dashing in and out of my room. For some reason, every time my door opens, I'm hoping that Lisa was the one who entered. I'm dying on my bed but I still keep on thinking about her. I now regret everything. Every single decision that I made. I regret breaking up with her. I regret lying to her. I regret leaving her.

My hands are trembling but here I am, making an entry in my diary. I don't even know why I'm still writing in this notebook when I don't want to remember anything that happened. Especially the fact that I broke up with her. I even wrote it in complete detail. I'm quite stupid, aren't I?

A knock was heard on my door. "Come in.", I spoke up. My doctor came inside with a folder on her hands. "Hey, Jennie. I have something in my hands that can make you both happy and sad at the same time. It's your choice if you want to do this... You told me that you want to end everything already, right?" Dr. Bae handed me the folder.

I read the text written inside. It's basically asking me if I still want to live if ever I had an attack. I looked at my doctor. "Do Not Resuscitate. It sounds fun. I'm in." I gave her a smile, which was not returned. Dr. Bae sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "Are you sure you want to do this? I know that you're tired and all but, don't you want to spend time with your ex-girlfriend first?" She furrowed her eyebrows. "I bet she still hates me." I chuckled. "So it would be a complete waste of time to try." I tried to smile but it slowly turned to a frown.

"Jennie, I'm telling you. It's not." She smiled at me. "What do you mean..?" tilting my head as I speak. "I was in a relationship where we broke up for about 2 years. I thought she already gave up on our relationship. I thought she didn't care. But one day, She was standing in front of my door, asking me if we can start over again." She smiled, playing with the ends of her hair as she stares outside my window. "Then what happened..? It didn't work out, did it...?" I was very interested in her story. "No. It went quite well." she chuckled and placed her hand in front of my eyes, showing the wedding ring on her hand. I smiled. "She married me and we now have 2 mini versions of us running around at home."

"Dr. Bae..?" I called her out. "What is it, Jennie?" She looked at me. "Is it nice?" I tucked my hair behind my ear as I spoke. "What's nice?" She tilted her head. "You know, after a long and tiring day, you go home to a place where all your tiredness can go away in a second? Your children greeting you and asking about your day, your wife giving you kisses and massages... Is it really nice..?" I played with my fingers. "Of course it is. Even if I'm still at work, knowing that my family is waiting for me at home already drains the stress out of me." She smiled. "That's good to know." I smiled back.

❁

After my small talk with my doctor, I still decided to sign the DNR. That decision was for me and my parents. My hospital bills kept getting higher as time passes and I don't even have a chance to live anymore.

What would it be like if I had a family with Lisa? Would it be nice like what Dr. Bae said? I guess it will. I mean, having Lisa as my wife is already a blessing. I wanted to have a life with her but too bad I'm already on my death bed.

I haven't even told Lisa that I still love her. I never stopped loving her. And now, she won't know that because—

JISOO'S POV

"Jisoo..." I saw Doctor Irene running towards me. "J-Jennie... She had an attack." her voice was trembling. My eyes widened and my heart beat rapidly. "W-What are you still doing here?! You should be in her room, trying to save her!" My voice cracked as I raised my voice. "I-I can't... I'm sorry. She.." tears was flowing out her eyes. "S-she what?!" My face turning red out of frustration. "She signed... the DNR. I'm not allowed to bring her back..." Irene fell on her knees. I was frozen in place, letting all of the information sink in.

Why the fuck would Jennie sign that in the first place?! She could've talked to us about it... I cried as I ran to her room.. I saw another doctor standing in front of her bed, nurses surrounding her.

Jennie... Jennie's monitor was going crazy... They were just standing there. Watching her die... Jennie managed to look at me and smile but her smile suddenly faltered...

She closed her eyes...