『 thoughts 』 ✽ jenlisa

five

13.12.14

Here I am, lying on my hospital bed, waiting for the day that I will finally be free from all my suffering. I'm wishing for that day to come faster. I can feel a piece of my soul leave my body as the clock ticks. I'm happy that I'll die now. A year of hiding all my pain is worth it. It will all end now.

"Ms. Kim? Your friend wants to talk to you." A nurse came in. My parents paid for the hospital not to tell anyone that I am here. I don't know where this "friend" of mine got the information. I looked at the nurse and smiled, "Let her in." I muttered. My heart broke as I saw the one who came in. She was one of the people who helped me stay strong for Lisa. She is none other than my best friend, Nayeon.

"J-Jennie..." She cried as she walks slowly towards me. "Don't act like it's your first time seeing me slowly dying on a hospital bed." I chuckled. She wanted to hit me but she restrained herself from doing so. "Why didn't you tell me?! Jennie, You know you can trust me! I had to find out about this through your sister. She cried all night you know?! I am your best friend, Jennie. I was the one beside you when you were about to get surgery. And now, I heard that you only have like a month to live? Why? Why didn't you say anything?!" She shouted at me, her tears flowing nonstop.

I took a deep breath before speaking up. "Because I am afraid that you will be affected! I know you'll get hurt when you hear that I'm dying. I also didn't want any of this to get to Lisa..." Tears are building up in my eyes. "What kind of logic is this?! I know you're smarter than this Jennie! Yes, we'll be affected. But it is better that we know this now than knowing it after you died! At least we can spend your last days together. It will hurt more Jennie if we didn't know... It'll be more painful because you died without us trying to make you feel alive..." Her voice cracked from time to time.

I just processed what Nayeon said. She is right, but I still won't change my mind about not telling Lisa. I don't want her to know. I know that I'm being selfish but this is for her. She's already suffering so who am I to add up to her problems?

❁

Nayeon and my sister went out to clear their minds. I am completely alone in my room, with nothing to do. I noticed the sheet of paper beside my bed. Should I write a letter to Lisa? That would be good. I'll tell my sister to give this to her on the day that I died.

As I was writing the letter, a knock was heard from my door. My doctor came in. "Ms. Kim? I want to tell you something." Doctor Bae spoke up. The news that she is about to tell me is obviously a bad one. "Doctor Bae, don't worry. You can tell me anything regarding my sickness whether it is bad or not. I already know what's coming so why are you still like this?" I laughed. "That's the point, Ms. Kim. The arrival of that "thing" sped up... Your recent test showed that your condition is getting worse, cutting a week from your life span. You have less than 3 weeks to live Ms. Kim.." Doctor Bae frowned.

"I know. I felt it already. My body whispered to me while I slept. It basically told me that "Bitch you're about to die"." I laughed. "Ms. Kim, this is not something to joke about. I already informed your family, including your sister's girlfriend, about this. Are you sure you don't want to tell your girlfriend?" Concern can be seen in her eyes. "My EX girlfriend rather. She doesn't need to know about this. I'll take care of it alright?" I smiled at her. She nodded in hesitation but then soon left my room.

I continued to write my letter to Lisa. I sighed as I finished writing it. "I might've broken my promise about not leaving you Lisa... But I still fulfilled my promise of loving you 'til my last breath." I said to myself and smiled as a lone tear fell down my cheek.