gay ➳ reddie ✓

18

Tuesday. June 9, 1987

R.

All I wanted was for girls to want me. Granted, they have, but not like this. Not like this.

"Still up for our plans?" Elle raised an eyebrow at me as we threw out the remainders of our breakfast. I scratched the back of my neck feeling absolutely cornered and even more horrified.

"Sure, I guess," I gulped. What the fuck. I didn't sign up for this. Absolutely not. Just then Eddie and Bev came skipping over. Queer.

"What are you guys talking about?" Bev asked.

"Richie is gonna hang out with me and Will," Elle smirked, Eddie looked confused.

"Will could use some friends like him," Elle explained.

"Eddie," Elle said hopefully. "You should come too."

"No, no! Ed and I have plans later!" I gawked at Bev. "We're gonna do our nails together!" Oh.

I sent Eddie a disgusted look that only lasted for a second. He caught it and shrugged sheepishly. What a nerd.

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I don't know what I expected. Maybe I did. Maybe I thought it'd be like in those movies where various rejects come together in a boring white room, sit in a circle and talk about addictions. You know the kind.

So like, maybe a gay version of that? Where instead of addictions they talk about being gay.

I'm Richie.

Hi, Richie, (the crowd would say).

And I'm gay.

Then everyone would snap their fingers or whatever and we'd have a fucking blast or some shit.

This was not like that.

We weren't in a boring white and we weren't sitting in a circle. We were hanging out in Will's cabin. The walls were painted in the same dull color scheme that surrounded camp but there were band posters all over the place. Will shared a cabin with his older brother, Jonathan which didn't surprise me. They probably needed to stick him with a counselor so he wouldn't get killed in his sleep.

I stood by Elle, mostly, hoping to avoid any Will contact while he was in the restroom. There was a hoard of snacks hidden under Will's bed and of course she led me to it right away. 

"I fricking love cookies," she giggled, chewing on a large cookie with rainbow sprinkles.

"Will!" Elle shoved past me and sprinted across the room Will who exited the bathroom who was standing at the doorway. I watched as she leaped onto him, cashing him to wrap his arms around her back.

I felt uncomfortable but I walked over nevertheless. She hugged him before lifting her head to set a sloppy kiss on his cheek. I didn't have siblings so couldn't relate to their closeness.

"How's my favorite brother?" Elle teased. Isn't that shit like, rude or something? I shook my head.

"Gay as ever," Will sighed with a grin. "How's my favorite twin?"

Twin? I almost choked out a laugh, these two were insane. Also, they looked nothing alike not to mention Elle was a good three inches taller.

"Still funnier than you," she jumped off him and looked towards me with a smirk.

"Richie, come meet Will," Elle gave him a faux look of admiration. She was a piece of work.

"Now, Will, you must understand that this kid here is taken. Play nice and don't touch." I winced, I wasn't used to guys given me this kind of attention.

"No promises," Will snickered, Elle punched his shoulder. This resulted in a playful fist fight that lasted a good five minutes.

I sauntered my way back to the bed with the cookies. When can I leave? As if on cue, Elle came skipping back. I wasn't used to seeing her so joyful, she was constantly suave and nonchalant about everything.

"It's time," she whispered mysteriously.

"To leave?" I almost cheered, frowning though when she shook her head.

"For your initiation." I gulped, initiation? Were they going to make me drink their blood out of a solo cup? Will noticed my confusion and gestured to the stack of journals he had on his desk.

"Everyone I come out to, who accepts me gets to join my journal," Will shrugged, grabbing one of his books.

"I have to," I paused, looking around, "write in that?"

They nodded, Elle continued. "Sign your name and write your message."

"Which is?"

"You aren't afraid of love." With that the two of them smiled. 

It didn't feel right. I was here, sure but I'm not gay. Saying so almost felt wrong in that moment. I had to, though.

I apprehensively scribbled my name onto the page. 

"Now write it!" Elle looked so happy. I dragged the pen across the paper. 

Once I'd finished the phrase, I heard cheers, felt hands patting my back, I felt welcomed and wanted. It was clear to me that this meant so much to them. It was a symbol of who they were. Yet here I was, a fake, an impostor, a liar. All these feelings hit me hard but the worst feeling of all was the strongest.

I felt sick.

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yikes sorry it's so late ahhh I didn't work yesterday but somehow didn't write at all cries forgiVE ME  

anyway i saw comments about dodie so here's my favorite dodie song

-kat      9/29/17     @  6:18 pm