Redemption || MorMor

Childhood

Pre-chapter Note: I don't generally do trigger warnings because I think they're stupid but I'll stick one in anyways cause I love you guys so much. This chapter is a tad emotional. Just read the title. It's not nice, it's not pleasant. It just gets worse. Read this or skip it if you want, I'll do a brief summary (in less detail) at the start of the next chapter when I write it so you sensitive ones are all caught up. Don't go complaining that I didn't warn you guys. Anyway, love you guys. Don't forget how beautiful you are, because it's easy to in a world this ugly. But you're precious and beautiful and I love you :)

Sebastian woke up early and let his mind wander. It ended up reliving the last year or so of his lie, from when he met and moved in with Jim. He smiled to himself, gazing at the short, sleeping man next to him. He looked like a baby when his face was relaxed. He looked at peace, which was something he rarely was when he was awake. Seb played with his hair as he recalled when he first slept in his bed. He chuckled lightly at the memory and kissed Jim's forehead, making his stretch but not wake. Seb remembered going in the bathroom a few weeks ago and seeing those pills. He frowned. He still didn't know what they were or what they did, and that made him worry.

"What's wrong with you, eh...?" He muttered quietly, assuming Jim was too far gone to hear him. But he wasn't. Jim frowned and opened his eyes to the minimal amount possible to still see.

"What?" His accent was thicker when he was sleepy, Sebastian noticed.

He kissed his forehead once again, "nothing, sweetie. Go back to sleep." He closed his eyes, their heads pressed together. There were a few moments of silence as they drifted in between sleep and not.

Then Jim spoke up with, "you mean the pills, right?"

"Yeah..." he reached across and held his hand, his eyelids still shut.

"I don't take them. For two reasons. One, I don't like what they do to my head, and two, they misdiagnosed me. They're the wrong pills." 

"What do you have? What are they for? Is it, you know, the bulimia?" He winced at the recent memory of hearing him throwing up.

"No, not that. There isn't a pill to make you eat. No, the pills I have are for bipolar and psychotic episodes. In all fairness, I am psychotic sometimes, but I'm not bipolar."

"What are you?" Seb asked, his voice quiet. He squeezed his hand to support him.

"I'm split personality."

"You are?" Seb opened his eyes, shocked, to find that Jim had never even closed them to begin with. 

"Yeah, or at least something similar. It's like... two people inside me fighting to be at the surface. I have the, I guess what you'd call, human side. When I'm nice and lovey, like now. But then I have what I call the Work Jim. That's what makes me so good at my job. No emotions or regrets, no feeling. It's like two sides of a coin. But I've controlled it. Kind of. I don't need drugs."

"That-That explains a lot, really." It clicked in Seb's mind: the mood swings, the changes. 

"It's Work Jim who strangled you." 

"I figured..." Seb looked away, remembering how much it upset him.

"But it's this Jim that cares for you," he changed his voice and smiled at him warmly. He kissed his cheek and Sebastian forgot the bad memories instantly. All he could think about was how close he was to him and how lucky he was to be in this position at all. He could still recall a time he was certain he'd never even confess his feelings for him. How far they'd come since then. As Jim kissed his nose and his cheek and his lips and his neck, he thought about how much he still hadn't told him, how much he had been hiding. Jim had just told him a lot yet he hadn't trusted him with anything. The guilt built up inside him like a ball of giant lead until it was too much and he sighed. "What's up, baby?" Jim pulled away and looked at him lovingly.