One year of singleness. An absolute honest chance to focus on my own self. Figure out what is still left. Fly on my knee, tattoo on left shoulder. I never imagined feeling this way now that I'm older. Drinking water, wishing it was vodka. Everything's gonna work out, just like He told ya. Death and life live in my mind. Only one person, second-guessing comes naturally. Is there really no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus?
I want to scream at myself, "stop attaching meaning to everything". Promise it's not an exaggeration. Heartbroken by way of self. I know that I know that I know God is real and I know that I know that I know of His power. Yet I still fear love, mostly because my past isn't perfect. Only one life lived to perfection. Trying to understand this hesitation. Love creates, it's confusing because so does greed. Develop new ways to gain. How could one not question a motivation...did I decide to pick him?
Let the tears fall as they come. So far away from once was. Pitter patter heart rhythm. Scream within while mouth stays shut. What secrets lay hidden? To speak them would burn more than a shot of whiskey. It's almost as if I miss the old me. But that was a false identity. Claiming freedom in my own truth, a physical liberation. Search deeper, soul perishing. Now my soul is free at the cost of this flesh dying. Frustrated, sometimes I get so angry, thinking it'd be easy to go back to my old life. I'd have to re-accept the lies. The Holy Spirit stops me dead in my tracks, honesty became the remedy to this inconsistency. Jesus, I need you every hour. I'm your vessel, see how powerful the LORD is. I'm so weak, only boast in Him. Pitter patter heartbeat, I trust Him for every breath. Speak His truth, escape the second death. Oh, I've counted the cost of following Him or not.
Being a Christian is so much more than what I do on Sunday. It's how at 2:30 am when I can't sleep because my past tries to tell me who I am, I call out to God and am able to rest. It is about sharing how God has changed my life and seeing others encouraged. The closer I grow to God the more change I experience in my heart. This faith is more than just going to heaven when I die. It's about freedom in my soul during this lifetime. Freedom from all the things that without Christ, I would have ended my own life. To you, faith in Jesus and Gods presence may seem pointless and looney. To me, it's one of the most real things I've experienced.
YOU ARE READING
Aperture
PoetryA single soul journeying through existence. Do you like questions more than answers? Poetry is how I process life. This book is a collection of poems over the last six years. So here's a window into my soul, and don't be afraid if you find somethin...
