Crossing the Line

Chapter 18: Real Feelings

 I left Tristan’s house and headed back to mine. I got ready for my date and waited until Eric picked me up. I found it difficult to break up with Eric because he’d been nothing but nice and sweet to me, so I didn’t. He didn’t know anything was wrong, or was about to be. We carried on. He remained oblivious and I pretended to be his girl. When he pulled up to my house, he pulled me in for a kiss that grew more and more intense. He pulled away and searched my face for a moment.

“I love you Holly,” he said softly. My eyes watered. I was supposed to be breaking up with him, not getting closer. I couldn’t say anything, so I only kissed him deeply. I wanted my relationship to feel like this; warm, one-sided, and simple. I wanted to feel like the only girl on earth. I wanted to feel like nobody mattered but me. I wanted to feel free. I wanted the hurt to go away.

The next morning, I went down to the stables early in the morning. Tristan was already there. A thought occurred to me about something he said earlier.

“So when were you planning on telling me that you entered the Classic too?” I asked as I walked up to him. Tristan smiled and shrugged.

“I don’t know… eventually?” he replied. I rolled my eyes and smiled as I pushed his shoulder playfully. He chuckled before his face went serious again. “Did you do it?” he asked quieter. I looked at him curiously as I started walking Pepper to the arena.

“Do what?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant. Tristan raised an eyebrow at me as he helped me up.

“Did you break up with Eric?” he clarified. I paused and looked at the reins. Tristan knew the answer already. He sighed and closed his eyes. After pacing for a second, he ran his hand down his face before he looked back up at me. “You didn’t,” he answered for me. I shrugged and kept my eyes down.

“When the time came, I… I just couldn’t do it,” I explained softly.

“It’s because you have feelings for him. Real feelings for him now,” Tristan said a bit heatedly. I instantly shook my head.

“No! I just feel bad hurting someone who’s been nothing but nice to me,” I corrected. Tristan laughed once humorlessly.

“You’re already hurting him,” he reminded me. I stayed quiet and looked at Pepper’s reins. After another moment of silence, I made him go wide and started practicing jumps. Tristan left towards the barn. I clipped every single one of the jumps. My head wasn’t in it. It only made me frustrated. After clipping them three times in a row, I hopped off and took Pepper into the stables. Tristan motioned for the tack room. After I put Pepper back in his stall, I went to where Tristan was waiting for me. I closed the door behind me. Tristan looked hurt.

“You said you were going to,” he said quietly.

“And I was, but… he just, I couldn’t,” I replied. Tristan sighed and closed his eyes. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. He automatically wrapped his arms around me, but he kept his eyes closed.

“Okay,” he said eventually. “It’s okay. We’ve handled this once before, we can handle it again. I know Crystal probably bothers you more than Eric does me. We can work around it… we always do,” he said opening his eyes. I smiled sadly and kissed him gently.

“I wish things weren’t so hard,” I whispered hoarsely. He nodded. 

“I’m sorry I overreacted; I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” I whispered back. We went through our day the way we always did; feed rounds, breaking, teaching. Tristan was fine for the most part, but after Eric walked in, his whole demeanor changed. He looked like he saw a ghost. I tried to talk to him, but he ignored me. Eric walked up to me smiling. He pecked my cheek.

“Hey Holly,” he said. Tristan was passing by with a horse at that time. I watched him curiously before I turned back to Eric.

“What’s his deal?” I asked. Eric shrugged.

“I don’t know. He was fine earlier, and then I told him about our date and it’s almost like he… clicked off,” Eric explained. Crap. I pretended to shrug as I looked back at Tristan. He was mounting and heading for the trail. I turned back to Eric and smiled fakely.

“Oh okay, I have to get back to work, but I’ll talk to you later,” I said before I rushed to get tack. I mounted Mystic and took off after Tristan. I found him at the lake. He has his knees pulled to his chest and his back was towards me. He didn’t even tie up his horse. I tied the horses up and started towards him.

“Don’t,” his shaky voice stopped me. I stood there frozen.

“We have to talk about it,” I said quietly. He turned and looked at me in disbelief. I could tell he had been crying by his red eyes and tear streaked cheeks.

“You had sex with him! Is that what you want to talk about?” he yelled. I cringed.

“I’m sorry, okay? We got to my house and things just got… out of hand,” I explained. Tristan stood and walked closer to me.

“He told you he loved you, and then you just couldn’t help yourself,” Tristan said hurt. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“I just wanted to feel a normal relationship. I wanted to stop hurting,” I said hoarsely.

“But at what expense? Me… us, everything we’re been trying so hard to fight to keep?” he said. I shook my head.

“Tristan please,” I whispered quietly as tears finally did fall. He shook his head.

“I might’ve messed up and almost married your sister, but I called it off and fixed it… for you. I didn’t sleep with her because I knew it would hurt you. Everything I did, was for you. No, I guess you'll just go and open your legs for anyone who tells you they love you. You can’t undo this,” he said before he walked over to his horse and rode away. His words felt like a slap in the face. I sobbed quietly into my hand. I really did mess up this time, and now he was gone. I felt like talking about it, but the person I wanted to talk to was gone.