The Overthinking Addict

Confessions of a Masochist

I use to look down on myself a lot. It was as if I'm my worst enemy. I would fall asleep at night and feel my soul being ripped out of my body just so i was forced to stand there and look at myself. Some times I would even want to hold a pillow over my face and end this charade once and for all. Some days I did. But I figured it would solve nothing. I won't be ridding this world of my dirty soul but my body. A body that has done nothing to me but I, I let her down. I made people point at her and laugh. I dropped her off two flights of stairs and made incisions on her wrist. Drew on her skin like it was pencil to paper and I can erase it. I cut off all her hair and bit her lips every time I was scared even though she couldn't comprehend what "scared" meant. She was a vessel and I'm her content but I don't think she was quite content with what she became. A monster lived within her. And I damaged her lungs with cigarette smoke and then burned her arms with the butts because it gave me a rush when I knew she was hurting. One time when I was young and stupid, I placed her in a scenario she didn't want to be in, she was so unwilling. My mind said yes because in my head it seemed like a good idea but her body, her body screamed "FUCK NO!" And I didn't listen, I pretend I didn't hear her battle cries but it spurred me on and I ....let ....him ...rape her. He ran his hand up her thighs and I smiled. He grabbed onto her hair and pulled her up, he choked her while stealing away her innocence as she bled all over the sheets and I was there taking a mental picture of it to save for another one of my sleepless nights with over confusing guilt trips.
And tonight ..... Tonight, she lies on those blood stained sheets, in pain, crying herself to sleep but little does she know, I'll take it all away tomorrow.