My Universe

Metanoia

Every since the beginning of the summer, I have felt different. My whole summer has given me time to think. And since I didn't have much to do, I had enough time to think too much. My vacation was amazing, it really was helpful to spend time in a different environment. When I close my eyes, I can still see the purple night skies of Florida with pink clouds and tons of stars. I can still hear the buzz of insects on every block and feel the water and sand from the beaches. For once, I could just stop thinking and enjoy the experience. For 3 months, it seems I have distanced myself from aspects of my life. I needed to separate myself spiritually, and take time to be in my own world. I'm glad I did. It's made me realize what I should be doing. It made me wonder what really was important to me. It also made me think about what I was doing just because it was something to do, and not because I wanted to do it. The time away from people and things was useful, but I'm not going to continue that anymore. I'm not a charity case and I'm not going to make myself one. My pity party's over. I no longer need the sensation of a blade on my skin to make me feel better. And I no longer need to hold on to what I should let go of. I want to travel and take pictures. I want to develop wresting and acting skills. I want to contribute in all the little acts changing the world. And I want to continue writing. But for right now, I'm going to live. Actually live, not walk around half dead and do things half heartedly. The past is gone and the future isn't here yet. Right now, I'm going to take advantage of opportunities. I'm currently submitting poems for a writing competition in my city. I'm doing community service for a program that comes to my school. I'm doing really well in my classes, my best friend and I are even considering creating a club. I have a WP book idea I haven't shared with anyone. I'm continuing to develop my passion. And I'm letting go of people who used to be apart of my life, because I'm ready to receive the same amount of appreciation I give. Not anything less. I don't deserve anything less. Most importantly, I'm ready and willing to grow as an individual. I don't need to surround myself with factors holding me back. And I don't need to be feeling sorry for myself. You can support me. Or you can not, but I don't want to wait and find out. If you have been supportive from the beginning, I'm truly grateful. And yes, I'm still depressed. But I don't want to accept defeat. I want to make the most out of my life and live in the moment. Everything else will happen how they do. But my decisions can impact that. And I decide to live. I can't do that by re reading old chapters. So instead, I'm writing new ones.