'Nevermore Than A Few Words'

Dear Parents

Dear Parents,

         Hurt
              Depressed
                     Despondent
                            Melancholy
                                     
These are all words that explains sadness. But none of these correlate with what I'm feeling.

     It's much more than that.

I'm tired of living.

Everyday I wake up and It's the same day again.

I push them away, the thoughts that threaten to spill over and fill myself with a sense of dread that doesn't seem to leave until I'm distracted again.

A viscous cycle, back and forth like a game of catch. I pretend to smile, I make jokes and people laugh at me because I can't seem to laugh on my own.

I can't be comforted I just want to be alone, because if I'm not alone I never truly feel better.

I can never speek it aloud because all I can receive is pity, and pity makes it worse.

I'm tired of playing this game of catch. I'm out of breath and my energy's gone, I can't seem to find a grip anymore.

It's like I'm wading through a pool, where everyone dumps their trouble onto me.

"Your sister has depression."

"Your dad has PTSD."

"He's got crippling social anxiety."

"I've been lying to your father."

"I've been lying to mom and dad."

"My parents are fighting."

"She's suicidal."

"I have Daddy issues."

I hate how I care too much. If I didn't, then I wouldn't feel this weight. I'm tired of carrying it, I'm tired of all of it.

I wish I were dead, and I wish I could see the look on your faces when you realized you caused it.