All in my Head

Chapter 9

Ava's POV

My interaction with Jonah this morning, though incredibly simple and likely meaning nothing to him, has put me in a positively radiant mood this morning. I even initiated a conversation with Kacie about her weekend, knowing she had gone to some big concert festival thing. Nothing was going to stop me today. Not even boring busy work from my supervisor.

I always thought I was the type of person who would love an internship. I knew what I was getting myself into after hearing my brothers and sister complain about the hours of pointless grunt work they all had had to do during their internships. But I always thought the idea of having a set thing to do for hours that doesn't require all that much brain activity would be ideal, and actually kind of relaxing. But three weeks in, I was beginning to realize that I in no way enjoyed this work like I thought I would. I applied for the Human Resources department because I thought it would at least be vaguely more exciting than the actual financial side of things here, but even in this communication-oriented department I was doing very little communicating and a whole lot of data entry.

It extended farther than my distaste for boring grunt work, though. I was slowly starting to feel like maybe office life wasn't for me. I've always imagined my whole life that I would work in an office and absolutely thrive - the cute business clothes, fun office friends, office wide happy hours, a relaxed environment. I know not many kids dream of working in a cubicle, but being the youngest of five children, I was constantly surrounded by chaos and boisterous people and thought an office would be a lovely escape from that rambunctiousness - a quiet oasis of pencil pushing and hushed voices. But I've realized that maybe I had been focusing a little too much on the fun social aspects involved in an office setting and didn't ever think about the importance of the work involved. And I was quickly coming to the conclusion that I didn't actually enjoy the work. And not actually enjoying the work that you're doing, no matter how much you love the social scene there, can still sap the energy right from your life loving self.

I saw this first hand when I was only 16. My oldest brother, Jason, ignoring my parents' warning of the high intensity of the work, entered the world of investment banking. A spunky, loud-mouthed, person who could never sit still for long, Jason knew he probably wouldn't last long in the cutthroat world of banking, but was drawn to the high starting salary and potential for huge bonuses. He actually ended up loving the people in his office, all young go getters like himself. He even met his long-time girlfriend, now fiance, Emily, there. But even this great social environment wasn't enough to sustain him. The work itself was fast-paced, stressful, and never-ending, and Jason just genuinely did not enjoy it. And I've never seen the life sucked out of a person so quickly before. Two months in, Jason was practically a different person. He was exhausted all the time, dark, heavy bags having formed under his eyes. He talked about how lovely the people in his office were, but in the end he eventually admitted how much he disliked the work. After encouragement from my parents and his friends who missed the old wild Jason, he ultimately decided to leave his job. He stills works in an office, but for a smaller start up business. He enjoys how small the office is and how personal the connections between the business and their clients are, and has a genuine passion for the work he does now. And it's made all the difference in the world for him.

With Jason's career journey always fresh in my mind, I look around my desk here at WWF and realize that I don't like a single thing I see. My To-Do List, freshly created just an hour ago after going through my e-mails, is full of things I always thought I'd enjoy but now genuinely fill me with dread. I'm starting to realize that maybe office life doesn't suit me after all.

Relax, I tell myself as I take a deep breath. This is only an internship. Ten weeks of my life that may hold no bearing on anything I end up doing. For now, it's okay that I don't like the work here. It's actually a good thing, I had the opportunity to figure this out before I actually accepted a real job. And I did genuinely like the people here, a perfectly reasonable thing to rely on in a first internship. At least that's what I'm telling myself for now.

"Hey, Ava, guess what?" I'm interrupted from my career decisions stress spiral by Kacie tapping her long nails on my desk to get my attention.

"What's up?" I ask, never quite knowing how to respond to a "Guess What" situation.

"Someone told me you have a secret admirer over in Cluster 2," she says. What.

"What?" I ask, genuinely dumbfounded.

"Yup, you know Petey over in cluster 3?" she asks.

"Uh, no I don't think I do," I respond truthfully.

"No, you definitely know Petey!" she insists. "Like super tall, vaguely hispanic, has perfectly quaffed hair, and always smells like Abercrombie and Fitch?" she says. That was a surprising amount of specific details.

"Yeah, no, I've got nothing," I answer. I think I would remember someone with a name like Petey.

"Oh well whatever, he's over in the third cluster." GET ON WITH IT KACIE. "So he said he overheard someone in Cluster 2 talking about how much he likes you and is dying to ask you out," she says with a childish giggle. I would normally judge that giggle if I wasn't struggling to keep one of my own from bubbling up and out of me.

I want to let out my best girly squeal of joy, a real sorority-girls-reuniting scream, because I live for shit like this. Middle school gossip about crushes is viewed as immature by most people, but it's truly what excites me still. A possible side effect of those teen romance novels I read so often. But I digress. I can't help but want to yell out with unfettered enthusiasm "MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE." Instead, I opt for the much cooler, much more adult response of "What?! That's so weird!"

"I know right! Petey didn't say who it was though, do you have any clue who it could be?" Kacie asks.

"Um, no I have no idea," I say, instantly praying to God that it's Jonah. I think of the other two Cluster 2 boys, Evan and Nick. Evan is sweet and goofy and I would maybe think it was him if it wasn't for him obviously being in love with Jul (a relationship I totally support by the way). I guess it could be Nick, but I've barely shared two words with him. I didn't even realize he was seated at Cluster 2 until last week when he spoke for the first time, mumbling something disgruntledly that the rest of us immediately disagreed with. So by my quick calculations, it must be Jonah. The other two options simply don't make any sense. Oh my, Lord. Could this actually be happening?

I try to relax myself before jumping too wildly to conclusions. But shit if I can't help but imagining Jonah and I going on magical dates. Us at an Italian restaurant, tucking napkins into our collars, sharing a piece of spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style. Us walking around the city hand in hand, stopping to get ice cream, me dropping mine on the sidewalk right after we get them, Jonah giving me his, both genially laughing at this incident being "just our luck!" Us going for a romantic picnic by the harbor, watching the sunset while we eat share a water ice, me dolloping some on the tip of his nose, him playfully licking it off. Come to think of it, do I maybe just want someone to eat food with? Regardless, I still want that person to be Jonah. And I think for once in my life someone I have a crush on might actually be crushing on me back.