All in my Head

Chapter 15

"Any time, Ava," I hear Jonah call as I make my way down the stairs to the station. I smile at him, hoping he means those words as sincerely as I want him to. As soon as I'm out of sight, I pick up my pace to a near sprint. My train is going to be here in about three minutes, and I'm a good seven minute walk away from where I need to be. I probably would've been walking a little faster if I had been walking alone, but I was happy Jonah decided to come with me. I really am directionally challenged, although I'm pretty sure I could've made it here without his help. It was a straight shoot down from the bar after all. But, still, I'm beyond thrilled that he joined me. Even though our walk only lasted a little over 20 minutes, I feel like I got to know him so much more. I love that he has random interests like trivia and heights and his relationship with his brother is enough to melt my damn heart.

I can hear a train horn sound and I'm flat out sprinting now. I can't miss this train, the next one doesn't come for another 34 minutes, which would make me officially late for my family dinner. Not that any of my immediate family members would mind that I'm late. It's mainly just Danny's fiance, Sarah, who gets her panties in a bunch when I'm late to things (which is the case for just about everything I'm ever due at). She respects punctuality like my family respects a good meatball.

I can hear the train slowing down on the tracks as I sprint down another set of stairs, throwing my ticket at the worker guarding the top. I push open the doors and shuffle to the closest open door, checking the sign on my way in to ensure this is indeed my line. I'm the last one boarding, but there are still plenty of open seats, so I take the window seat closest to me. I sit down, pull out my headphones, and take a deep breath, grateful and honestly shocked that I made it here in time. Then, I put on my most cinematic playlist and stare out the window, ready to spend the next hour reminiscing about each and every word Jonah and I just shared, pretending I'm in a romantic movie about a clumsy, goofy gal who falls for the dreamy, athletic fella, only to live the rest of their lives out in one seamless movie montage.

Despite the chaotic family dinner and general insanity that is my household on a daily basis, I absolutely floated through the weekend. Every chance I got I found myself drifting back to Friday afternoon and what has got be the best 11 blocks I've ever walked in my life. Ok, so maybe I'm being dramatic. But for a girl like me, this development between me and Jonah was absolutely groundbreaking. It took my crush on him from the abstract staring at him in the office, wistfully dreaming of a conversation to the concrete actually conversing with him and finding out more about his life where our "relationship" currently stands.

WEEK 4

"Morning, Kacie," I say as I plop down at my desk first thing Monday morning.

"Hey," she says, stretching out the last syllable of the word. "Looks like someone left you a little gift there over the weekend." She points towards a package in the middle of my desk.

I drop my bag down and tuck it under my desk as I grab for the mystery item on my desk, wrapped in WWF branded note paper. I unwrap the paper and discover a pack of whiteboard markers.

"They're dry-erase markers, what the heck?" I say, turning to show Kacie who's still watching me.

"Oh, there's a post-it on the back," she says, grabbing the note off and reading it aloud. "I know how you Petersons roll, winky face."

My eyes go wide in horror. "Ew, what does that mean?" Kacie asks, brows furrowed.

"Oh my god," I slap my hand to my forehead. "It's from freaking Nick!!" I hiss in a whisper. "Oh my God, he's referencing the weird conversation we had last week about some kid he used to know with the last name Peterson who used to like suck all of the ink out of markers!! What the heck is this!!"

Kacie is cracking up now. "Oh my God, you're kidding me! That is so so strange, Ava. Well I guess we know who your secret admirer is for sure now though," she concludes.

I groan audibly, glancing in the direction of Cluster 2. I see Nick peep his eyes over the divider and shoot me a look that I'm guessing is trying to communicate something along the lines of "I see you girl," but what comes across as "I'm a predator, girl." I don't look at Nick for long though, defaulting instead to glance over at Jonah, who's alternatively laughing and what appears to be smelling something (?), right along with Evan and Jul. I could stare at his profile all day, even with the funny face he's making as he sniffs the air around him dramatically.

And that's when I feel it. The nagging ache I have in my chest. An ache stronger than the one I feel in my chest when I'm running, though I feel similarly out of breath. I so desperately wish that it was Jonah who was my secret admirer. So badly that I suddenly feel like I'm drowning, helplessly floundering around, hysterically looking for something concrete to hold onto, yet somehow being too afraid to make any sudden move. So as I stare at that beautiful boy, I allow myself to be swallowed whole by the rushing waters, knowing that I likely won't be saved.

I can't let go of my hope yet though. Even as I smile defeatedly towards Kacie pretending to agree to her statement about Nick, I secretly hold on to the idea that Jonah is my secret admirer. Maybe if I pretend for long enough, it'll actually come true. And if it doesn't, at least I can live in this fantasy world for a little longer. For a girl like me, this is sometimes the safer option. Although I hate that nothing ever happens with my crushes, part of me prefers to stay in my comfortable little bubble of hopeless pining rather than making the first move. Because at least then I can pretend the only reason my crush didn't develop into anything further is because I never made my feelings clear, and not because of some inherent fault of my own. As much as the idea of being with Jonah excites me, putting myself out there only to be promptly rejected scares the living hell out of me. I already tell myself everyday that guys don't like me without having to have it shoved in my face by one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen. So while I'm not letting go of the hope that Jonah is my secret admirer, I am also not quite ready to take Operation Jonah any further than Jonah is willing to stick his neck out. Baby steps, Ava. Baby steps.