In Hell We Dance

Promises

Going back home. 'Cept it's not home. Not anymore. I don't feel that way. I feel like I can finally let go of the bitch that sapped me dry. My life has never made sense. 'Cept now. Now...

I lean in and savour those lips, Connor my love, my future.

I used to carry that gun on me. Everywhere. It was like a drug of its own. When Connor took it away, I broke things to get to it, including my skin, knuckles scraped raw. Mostly from blows to the wall. You see red stains in Hell? Good chance it's me. Fuck, only me... Right?

I left it there today. I have done for the past week. I don't need it.

Evening encroaches, a perfect orange sky, giving onto red. The city looks pretty only now, the sea the right kind of indigo. I used to see the world in black and red. Now Connor keeps me in these rich emeralds and sapphires, kisses just as bright.

See, before, kisses were only a gateway drug, a silencer as my body sought its nightly pleasure. Connor has breathed life into all that was black in my life. I see further than I ever have, and I see a life with him. I see that.

I fucking see it!

I reach over, cranking up the radio as high as it will go, and I stick my head out the window, horizon sunlight painting the streets, arm stretched out. Free.

I sway my arm with the beat, past the bewildered stares, transforming slowly to joy, accepting my flow. Dance. Dance with me!

I get a few hoots, and one chick even busts a move. I spin, blowing her a kiss. Nothing naughty. Just want to share the love. I turn back, and Connor is bobbing his head, before meeting me with a smile. A perfect little thing. Once I was scared of this city. Of its people. Every rat, every probing eye that could bring me down. I don't feel fear no longer. No, I don't.

I start to recognise these streets, the last outposts of life, 'cause soon we enter the dead city. I shiver. I belonged in a place like this. Once. Huh.

I used to think the shit-infested grey was my only life. I put on that false smile, lived those vices, till I was sure that's all I needed. I felt that not so long ago. And to be where I am now. Hating this place. Hating that grey. Wanting Connor. Wanting a home, a proper pad. Eating cereal in my underwear, Connor to snuggle up with. We'd have to work, 'course. But then we'd be home, and the night becomes ours. Never mine. With him, a world of amber lights and sweet sweet promises.

These streets are quiet. That's all I know. But it's not quiet. There's a foulness in the air. We slow, taking a left across the first bridge, round the bend.

Shit.

Blue lights. Two cop cars.

They've found Hell.

***

I don't even think. Just unbuckle my seatbelt and climb out, feet weighing me down, till I can't drag them no further. I hear Connor clamber out behind me, then he's tugging at my arm, but I won't budge.

"Isaac," he begs. "Fucking hell! We have to—we have to get out of here!"

"I..."

I can't leave. I need to...

He pulls again, harder. I dig my feet into the ground, then shrug my arm free. I look at him, at those gorgeous eyes. This could really be the end. I've always known this.

"I'm sorry."

Connor blinks. "What?"

But I'm already off, breaking into a sprint. Connor screams after me, but he doesn't follow. Good. Get out of here. Run home, and lie. Lie your pretty little ass off. I'm going to burn all bridges, just like I promised. You'll get that start over you deserve.