In Hell We Dance

Desire

-Connor-

Desire without passion. Sin laid out for the taking—a strong will to resist. A sigh, and a teardrop that falls like a single essence of dew taken from grass.

How can he make me feel these things? How can he invade my every waking moment and demand more? Does he terrify me, or titillate? Maybe both.

I don't sleep much, because he is there, beneath my eyelids, a devious wink, and lips that beg for more. I'm a lonely, desperate guy. I imagine things. Wrong things. Things that make you blush. He is the beginning and end of them all. No, I don't get much sleep that night. My mind is giving way to daydreams, sinful ones that leave me full of tremors.

I have to satisfy the cravings of my body, where no one can see me groan into that dreadful night. His smile lingers, watching, devouring.

I shudder with the release. Then I find sleep because that will bring me closer to him.

Am I wrong for wanting that?

Probably.

Should I run?

Definitely.

...

But I won't.

***

Shopping is actually legitimately fun when you're doing it for someone else. It'd be better if he was with me, but I guess I figured driving all the way out to him cemented this whole thing. Even now, shopping for things, for him, I was avoiding him. Avoiding how he made me feel.

I felt dirty, and I don't know if I want to feel that way. It's so easy to give in to temptation. It'll take all I have to stay out of his shadows.

Isaac was a pretty well-built guy. I mused over which colour pairing and which style would suit him best. I have an eye for such things. Hey, I'm a rich loner, but I dress nice. No one could deny me that.

Yeah, that's right, Siobhan. You know it, bitch.

I shiver. I'm so glad I'm out of school. Some people were nice... Corin, Jasmine... then there was Siobhan, conceited primadonna. God, what did I see in her? She was only in it for the money. Figures.

Yeah, I think black suits him. These jeans will look damn fine on him. I pull a second pair out to join its sister. What? I like it.

I get a bit carried away, taking way longer than I intended, and one hour later, I lug my four bags to a trolley. What's next on my list? Right, he needs somewhere to sleep. Since he insists on living in squalor, at the very least he deserves a nice bed.

Why am I even bothering with him? He hasn't even sold me yet. I could just as easily turn him away.

I think I already know the answer, and so does he. It didn't even start with the kiss. But that was the seal, wasn't it? He knew I'd be back for more. He's a clever bastard. Saying no will be the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's so much harder to resist when you're on your own. Give me a few good mates—people I can actually have drinks with and go dancing with on Friday nights. Seated by the fire, football on the telly—not that any of us would be watching, and some nice steak with our pints. We'd watch movies when the moment hits us, and go shopping because why the hell not?

Our deepest desires are often the things that destroy us, wouldn't you agree?

***

I pull up, a cold realisation dawning on me. What if he wasn't there? What if he ditched and...

Of course, better that than the alternative. I swear to god, if I walk in and find his cold-ass corpse, I'm gonna...

No. Freaking hell! Why don't I just face the damn truth?! I'm goddamn mortified. It's him. His presence, the way that smirk infiltrates, removing all defences and leaving you exposed. Raw. Like he can see right through my clothes and he's eating up my body. Someone with that kind of power I should be staying the hell away from.