Trapped

Chapter Two

December 5, 2059

The house is empty. I walk from my kitchen, through the living room and into the bedroom. An overwhelming feeling of emptiness rushes over me as I lay down on the bed. The last couple of weeks have all been like this, a never-ending feeling of inadequacy. I spend most of my afternoons in bed wondering why this is happening to me, why I can't be happy. I close my eyes. The only thing I hear are my girlfriend's words echoing in my head. 'You should get help.' I continuously tell her I don't want to, as I feel there must be a way for me to figure it out by myself. In my more enlightened moments I wonder whether this is a character trait or a classic sign of a deeply rooted depression. Even though it hurts to know that my well-being is a burden on her, I do not have any answers. There are only questions. My mind wanders further into self-deprecating thoughts. In an unsettling way, it provides me comfort to let my negative thoughts roam freely where they can't hurt anyone. I vaguely remember being able to enjoy life as a little boy. Things surprised me, things were beautiful, the world seemed vibrant and alive. This all changed. Suddenly, the world seemed much greyer, as if it lacked creativity. These feelings have never gone away, and now I am a 24-year-old man that struggles to extract any form of joy from life. Living life being jealous of people with passions, people that know what they want, or just people with a sense of discipline. I've tried many hobbies and career paths over the years, but they never stuck with me. I either got bored or frustrated with my lack of progression and devotion. Forever stuck in mediocrity. Two years ago, I picked up writing. It panned out surprisingly well, my negative thoughts on paper were perceived as 'disturbingly realistic' and quickly gained a lot of traction. My first publication was a huge success, so I decided to write more. Is this my passion, is this my thing? The question provides everything except comfort; I do not know the answer.

I feel calm as I open my eyes, these troubling thoughts need to get out of the way. Shivers run down my arms as I realize I should talk to my girlfriend and apologize, my attitude towards her has been bad lately. I must reach out to her and show her that I care. The urge to make a change for the better feels pleasant, like achieving an accomplishment. Welcoming thoughts about my relationship with Anne flood my mind. I clearly remember seeing her for the first time, it was as if the world suddenly got its colour back. She seemed to stand out of the crowd, a bright individual in a grey and monotone world. She got more beautiful each time I saw her. I think about the things that I should say to her. The most important thing is to tell her how much I appreciate her support, even though I don't show it very often. She has been there for me through thick and thin and I can't imagine my life without her.

'Anne, are you still in the bath?' I shout. There is no answer. I get up out of the bed and walk towards the bathroom. As I approach the bathroom door I decide to ask again. 'Anne, are you still in here?' Still, there is no answer. I knock on the door, 'Anne!' I rest my head against the door. 'I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I just want to tell you how much I love you. You have been there for me every step of the way and I'm willing to seek help. I know how much it affects you as well.' There is still no response. The door seems to be unlocked, so I decide to enter. My mind goes dark, unable to process what I am seeing. I'm too late. The water in the bathtub slowly moves from one end to another. Her clothes and a towel are scattered on the floor. She used to tell me she loves taking baths, as it would release her of the everyday stress. I guess the bathtub could not drift her away from this anymore. Her bright green eyes stare right through me as they slowly lose their colour. The chair carefully tipped which would lead to her inevitable end. There is nothing in that rope but a hunch of meat, her soul is gone. There is nothing in this world that could've prepared me for this sight. Her beauty, lost forever. Tears roll down my cheeks as I give her one last hug. 'I should have listened to you; how can I have let this happen. I will fix this, for you, Anne. There must be more in this world, I just can't see it through my fogged mind. You were right all along, and now you have paid the ultimate price. I cannot let this go unanswered, you were the only one I ever loved, the only one that ever understood me.'

I must take action. Now.