Beautiful

19. What is This I'm Feeling?

What is This I'm Feeling?

Tierra stepped out her car, with a real smile plastered on her face. It had been weeks since she had to pretend her way through a day. Not only did she feel her sessions with Dr. Mark, were helping her to deal with her father's death, but she was finally coming to grips with her rape as well. She had learned new things about herself within these sessions and had begun to take chances in her life that she never thought she would, otherwise.

Malcolm had taken her on several dates, and though she was now where near 100% comfortable dating, she chalked it up to being 28 years old, and never experiencing the dating scene. She had gone on a few dates in college, but she never was comfortable with it even then. So, she gave up, and felt like she was forever tainted, and unworthy of love... until Malcolm. Even with him though, something wasn't quite right. She was frustrated, because she didn't know what it was, or how to fix it.

She shook Dr. Mark's hand and took her usual spot on the sofa, her knees pulled to her chest, meeting the embrace of her arms.

"So, Tierra, you are looking happier these days," Dr. Mark observed. "What have you been up to since we last saw each other?"

"Well, Malcolm and I went out last night," she smiled, her eyes resembling more of a Chinese doll, than the Cuban princess she truly was.

"Well Tierra, if things are going so well, then tell me, why are you are squinting your eyes again?"

She tucked her feet under her butt, stretched her arms like a feline after a long nap, and then replied, "What...I, I don't know. I mean, things are really going well. I thought anyway. Malcolm seems like a good man. He's respected my space. He didn't even bug out when I took him to church with me."

"So, you finally went on a Sunday? You didn't tell me that either," Dr. Mark said, again writing in his notebook.

"Oh, yeah, well when we went there for our first... date, a few weeks back. I thought I told you that. All I told him was to pick me up. I directed him where to go. When we pulled up at the Church, granted he was more than a bit surprised. But he played it cool. I think he actually enjoyed himself."

"Well then, I'll ask you again, why are you squinting, if things are going well?"

"I don't know!" she untucked her feet, raising her voice. "Honestly, something's missing, and I don't know what it is." she admitted in a softer tone. "I mean doc. I've never done this, dating thing before. How am I supposed to know what's wrong, or if it's right? Am I being too critical or something? Maybe this is a mistake."

"Are you thinking dating Malcolm is a mistake?"

Tierra sat up straight on the sofa, leaned forward and locked eyes with her therapist. "It's just, I thought that when I found the right man, I would feel... different than I do. I mean honestly, it was never in my play book to date at all. That one event was enough for me. I tried. I mean, I've been asked. I just couldn't let a man get that close to me ever. But I had thoughts about how it would feel... ya know?" she turned her head and gazed out the window, and inhaled soft but deeply. "But whatever I thought I'd feel, this is not it."

"Well then, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. It's not like this is a business deal," she raised her hand and rested it on her forehead, shook her head slowly, and closed her eyes.

"So, if this was a business deal, you could handle it. You'd know what to do, is that it?"

"Yeah, I'm in control in the boardroom. I know what to do. This dating thing, is new territory. I'm lost and I don't like this feeling."