In my feelings

9. NYC HEARTBREAK

Oh, my heart.

Not once did I stop thinking about that moment since it had happened. That moment had relived in my head more than a thousand times, meaning more and more each time.

OK. Before you say it, I understand it wasn't a big deal generally. I mean, it's a kiss. On the cheek. He probably does that to every female friend of his. Yes, well, maybe. But, it was nice.

For some reason it made me forget all about the worries I had previously felt that day, and now it's almost as if I knew him on a personal level.

I had found out a lot about him, more than over a simple phone call. He was originally from California, where he lived with both his parents and younger brother. He then moved to Arizona where he lived with his mum after both his parents went through a divorce. I didn't dig too much into this as I could only imagine how hurtful it still was, especially from the fake laugh he posed straight after. When he turned eighteen, he moved to the outskirts of New York to stay with his dad and to start working here. He has now been living at his own place in the city for nearly a year and 'couldn't be happier'.

And neither could I at this point... Kye felt like an adventure that I would never forget for the rest of my life. I remembered his words like they had some significance to me. He was happy, but I couldn't help but feel that there was much more to it. The more I found out about him, the more I wanted to question. The secrecy in his arms made me impatient to find out more.

The green eyes pinned onto his skin...

My thoughts were disturbed as I heard my phone go off. I quickly picked up my phone from the side and without checking who was ringing, I answered.

"Skylar."

Taylor?

My heart was racing. Hearing Taylor's voice for the first time in weeks made my eyes widen and my fingers slightly twitch. This was the first time he was calling me since I had moved away and I had planned to shut him down completely. I guess not.

"Hello?"

"Sky. How are you?"

"I'm okay."

This conversation caused my whole body to become stiff. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and had no idea what to say, except the excuses to hang up that were running through my head.

"Look Sky, I'm sorr-"

"No." I was shocked at my own response but I quickly gulped the uneasy feeling down. I was sick of hearing his apologies, in the end they never meant anything and all they did was made me worse to the point where I no longer even wanted to talk.

"I mean, don't be sorry. For whatever it is, I don't need you to be sorry. At least not out loud."

The silence he dragged afterwards felt like it lasted forever. "We haven't spoken in nearly a month."

I felt myself slouching as I laid my head down onto the sofa pillow. "Isn't that what you-, we, wanted?"

"I guess... I'm just sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I should've called and checked up on you at least. I feel like shit, Skylar. I can't stand being away from you, all I do is screw everything up when you're not around."

He was apologising, I blinked back the tears furiously. Guilt grew deep down inside my chest, for some reason. I felt guilty.

"Tay-"

"Sky, please listen." Silence once again. "I have to tell you something and it's going to kill me to tell you this but I can't lie to you."

"What? I don't understa-"

I hear a faint tremor of hurt and reproach in  Taylor's voice as he says,
"She doesn't know I'm telling you and she's going to deny it but I needed to tell you. I'm so, so sorry."

"Taylor I don't understand, she who?-"

"Rachel and I slept together."

—

I look at New York stretched out far below and above. The voltaic lights filling my vision as cars drive by the narrow roads. All that could be heard was the scatty groups of humans walking along the road, either home or to a more compelling destination. The more I focused on my view, the more my vision blurred.

You know that feeling where you're not sure how to feel? That was how I felt when Taylor told me what had happened with my best friend. I was heartbroken, my heart was beating at a hundred miles per hour. This is all I knew of love, from day one. All I knew of friendship too.

I had bottled up the whole idea of anything like this happening and decided to ignore it. I knew their had always been something. I just thought it wouldn't. It couldn't. Rae was my best friend, she wouldn't. Me and Taylor were in love, he couldn't.

This just made me feel worse, it made me feel weaker than everyone around me. I still loved him all the way through, I just felt I was holding onto something that was no longer there. I knew we were trying to move on but I felt betrayed. Though I was now free of something that was holding me back, I was also now missing something that could hold me back once I needed it.

I felt unguarded. I pushed myself slowly off the sofa as I walked into the bathroom, turning on the light as I looked towards the mirror. I stared at myself for a while, analysing any emotion vivid on my face to help me understand how I felt more. Actions speak louder than words, right? Bollocks.

I needed a distraction. And fast.

I grabbed my phone as I dialled the number faster than ever. "Hey, it's Sky. You busy tonight?"