In my feelings

10. DANGEROUS GUILT

The liquid hissed at my throat. My eyes would slowly begin to water, but I would only viciously rub them to stop the tears. My heart is cold.

I pinched my eyes closed after the last chug, my lips still wet from contact with the substance. I hadn't drank like this since high school. You're not even legal here. Blimey, I didn't even drink like this in high school.

I was currently alone on the bar stools. I was alone. The more I became unaware of my surroundings, the more I'd become aware of the fact I was now left hopeless when returning back to England. The worst part was the more I analysed it, the more I realised I have no right to feel the way I do. I was falling out of love on my own. Though I was too sad to admit it, unlike Taylor. I didn't even want to think of Rachel in this situation.

The thought of Kye lingered behind all the memories. Constantly. It was almost as if I expected to find some fault in meeting him, but all I brought it too was the fact that I decided to come here, I decided to study abroad and I, I may be falling for Kye.

I didn't want to believe it. As hard as I tried, I forced myself to see the picture clearer.

I was leaving in a year. A year may seem like a long time, but not long enough for me to fall in love and commit to a relationship I have no idea will work. I didn't know him that well, and it had already been a month.

Time passed so quickly and at this point I was already stumbling through all my decisions so what would this even end up in?

He goes for the adventures. The one night stands. The stamps on his arm screamed that, and I just am not sure if I can be that for him. I can't be that for him, I was a hopeless cause.

God, this is definitely the alcohol talking.

Kye was supposed to be here now. I called him before leaving, desperately anxious that he would agree to come for a drink with me. It was twenty past ten when I called, just a while before it would hit eleven; that being his best time to converse as I remembered him say. I giggled to myself, my eyes squinting shut as I did so. More tears threatening to fall from the moment I called. I was a wreck now. God, what was I thinking involving him, even calling him? I'm not even sure whether it was fortunate or unfortunate, but he was busy. The only words he kept repeating were "Are you okay?", and a finishing, "I'm sorry, I'll call you tomorrow."

I definitely heard a laugh in the background. Laughter, to be precise. He was occupied with friends, maybe even a girl at this point.
I couldn't quite understand why it bothered me so much, the point of now was to try and erase any thoughts of Taylor and to have fun.

A spirit driven man stumbled his way over to me as I hit the exit.

"Hey beautifuu-l." I ignored it at the first until he himself came closer. "Baby, don't be shy."

"Frankly, I'm way past shy at this point but still, no thanks." I zipped my jacket up sloppily as I neared myself closer to the door.

"Please just go away."

"This all me, I'm only getting started cutie."
Im going to be sick.

Before I could process what was going on, a voice came in contact with the man from behind me.

"I'm sure I heard her tell you to leave her alone." I forced myself to look behind as soon as I recognised the voice.

"Kye."

"Ohh- The lady has a b-boyfriend. Could've told me that, slut."

CRACK. I couldn't even look. I peaked lightly, seeing only the man left on the ground. An arm gripped onto the back on my shoulder as it guided me towards a car. "Fuck, damn." It quietly spoke to itself, rubbing the hand which had just caused this trouble.

"Let's go."

Kye's voice brought the attention back to what was happening at this exact moment. My vision blurred every few seconds as I tried to settle myself.

"Here, I'll help you."

Those same pair of arms from earlier boosted me up and into the passengers seat. I locked myself in the seat and tucked my legs beneath me, my head knocking to the side.

I locked eyes with him as he placed my handbag at my feet. A tight, sympathetic smile was thrown towards me, too quickly for me to reply. He closed the door gently, walking round towards the drivers seat.

Once he was in and starting the car, all I could do was sit there silently and stare out the window.

My eyes began to sting, oh no. Here it goes.
The tears kept falling, matching the small droplets of rain that began to fall onto the car windows. I tried to wipe them before Kye noticed, but it was too much.

The car came to a vicious stop, my body gripped onto the seatbelt he had clicked in as I was thrown back against the seat.

"Ouch." I rubbed my head as I looked around. The laughter overpowered me. The giggles, oh great.

Confusion washed his expression.

"I don't understand you, Sky. One minute you're crying and have me worried sick and now you're laughing?"

Have me worried sick. Though it wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear, it warmed my heart. He cared at least.

It was silent for a while. After he realised I wasn't in any state to reply, he started driving again.

I looked over at him as we neared the highway, his grip on the steering wheel tight.

"I'm s-sorry."

Without looking at me, he placed his hand gently down on top of mine. It was reassuring, a way to tell me I had no reason to be sorry. I grabbed his hand properly into mine and without thinking brought it close to my face, cupping his hand onto my cheek as I felt the warmth travel from one to another.

My eyes began to flutter closed, and before I knew it I was fast asleep.

Maybe I was the dangerous mystery, after all.