The Things I've Longed To Say.

Chapter 6: I Feel Stupid.

Do you ever know something to be a fact, and then think that it's not true? That's what I feel sometimes. And I feel stupid to even think this way, but I do. But the thing is, I don't let it get under my skin too much, although there are times when it has been close. I'm going to be talking about my greatest fear, the thing that I'm most scared of. And no, it's not dolls or snakes or spiders or scary clowns (Although they freak me out sometimes). It's the fear of being left alone (without my phone). If I'm left alone and I don't have anything with me, I'll be terrified, without a doubt. Being left alone with my thoughts is like facing a bully. And mostly, those thoughts are about my family. It's been more recently that I've been thinking things along the lines of:
"They don't need me to be happy."
"I'm just someone that they pity."
"I don't even know how they could stand to be around me; I'm a terrible person."
"I'm just their bodyguard."
"I ask ridiculous questions when I need help. I shouldn't need help."
"To them, I'm only a tall stalker who eats way too much chocolate and takes ridiculously large bites."
These thoughts have come into my mind. Every day. Even when I'm joking with them and having fun with them, I start to think. But, I'm strong. I can get through this. You know why? It's because I have faith in my family that I'm wrong, and they don't think of me that way. I'm much more than that, more of an actual person, more than you could ever know. This is how I feel stupid. I start to think. If I was confused about something in school, I'll be too scared to ask the teacher, for fear that people might laugh at me, because the answer is obvious. I have fear that my friends would face palm, embarrassed to have called this idiot their friend. I have fear that the teacher would give me a look of confusion, wondering how they didn't make it obvious enough for me. So, I'll stay silent. And I'll keep on thinking these negative thoughts. But I am too loved to be pulled under by this spell of negativity. I have too much to lose if I were to give in. So, I'll stay strong, until my very last breath. Thank you for reading, and have a great day.