To The Boy with Hazel Eyes; e.d

Stars and Souls

"...I didn't leave my room for a whole month." Ethan played with my fingers, not looking at me. "That weekend was his funeral, and I was a mess." I looked at the ceiling before continuing.

"I remember how I held his hand the entire ceremony while his body was in the coffin. At the burial, though, that's when I lost it. I didn't leave until the gravediggers had to drag me away from his tombstone." He explained, a tear hitting my hand.

"I had a girlfriend at the time, Meredith was her name. God bless her honestly. She dealt with my sadness and loneliness, but when she would come over, we'd do stuff to get me to stop thinking about Grayson." He let go of my hand and rubbed his eyes. "I would only use her for oral sex. I guess she was tired and annoyed by me only using her to get my mind out because I was dragged to a party with her and caught her with one of my friends, making out."

He held a breath. "That day, I drank, a lot." He sighed. "I was a drunk mess. I ended up at 7/11, crying, with my buddy Jack rubbing my shoulder. I was saying a lot of depressing things and I was so upset, that I ran out of Jack's grip and into coming traffic."

"That was the second time that I've attempted suicide and what lead me here. I was hit by a student driver so I wasn't badly injured, but the doctor's admitted me after giving me a warning from my last attempt." He said, his voice thick.

"When was the first time?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

He took a breath in and then out.
"The day after my brother's burial. I couldn't live without him..." he dragged his words.

"How?" I asked before I could stop myself.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he took off his sweater and fixed the t-shit he was wearing under it. I saw rope marks on his neck and then looked at his wrist as I noticed a long vertical line going across his arm.

My stomach dropped as my breath hitches, bringing my hand to my mouth.

"I took my old OCD medication and swallowed whatever was left." His voice thick. "I tried to hang myself from my bedroom fan but right when I was going to pass out, the fan broke; hence why I have the mark." He pointed at his neck.

"Crying, I dragged myself to the bathroom and took apart my razor and..." he stopped explaining, me getting the hint.

I was a crying mess at this point. To think that this beautiful boy has done this to himself made me want to go back in time and help him through this.

"My sister ended up finding me, passed out on my bathroom floor. Apparently from what she said, it looked like a murder scene." He paused. "After every attempt, Cameron was always by my side on the hospital bed." Tears fled his eyes as he thought about his sister.

We were both silent. We didn't know what to say.

We were sitting on my dorm floor, he's cuddle on my chest, playing with my fingers.

"I know I'm a fuck up. Its just..." he paused as he looked at me. "No one knows how it feels to lose your other half, especially a twin."

I stayed silent, taking his words in.

"Like, imagine Marilyn dying right in front of you." He told me, as tears swelled my eyes. I quickly wipe the away. "see? Losing a twin is like losing yourself."

I can't imagine a world without my sister. She's my everything, and I'm her everything. And not having her in my life, I wouldn't know what I would do.

"I asked my grandma for the other earring that he always wore." He said, pulling out a necklace that he was wearing. It was an angel wing. "He always wore that stupid earring that looked like a tampon." He chuckled as he played with the necklace. "But ever since his death, I turned the charm into a necklace, just something to show that he's still watching me."