Once we were in the room of the a cheap motel, I went straight to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked a hot mess I was disgusted with myself for allowing myself to end up in this position I cried while in the shower trying to scrub off as much pain and dirt as I could but I couldn't. All I could smell was burning flesh. I could only see the grin on Deans face after he planted a bullet in Justin head. Images of Justin's distressed face kept flashing in my head. His screams were deafening as was the final gunshot and I could still feel my ears ringing.
While I stood in the shower trying to wash off as much of today's events as I could, I felt Dean creep up behind me and hold my waist. I instantly tensed up as images of his blood splattered face flashed in my mind but soon relaxed after feeling his soft skin on mine and slightly rough lips on my neck. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I let him touch me anyway because it felt good and I never wanted to deprive myself of bodily pleasure no matter what was going on in my mind. I guess that was exactly the same mentality that got me here in the first place. It always baffled me how he could go from sadistic and rough to tender and caring in the blink of an eye. It was such an unnerving process to witness especially when you were on the receiving end of both of them.
I was a sucker for the way he kissed my neck and touched my body. It wasn't just the sex but the intimacy of it that I had grown so attached to. So attached to the point where I knew that I was in love with him, however stupid it felt admitting it I couldn't deny it anymore.
Even after we got out of the shower and we were lying in bed, our naked bodies tangled together, I still didn't want him to let go of me. He was both the danger I feared and the safe haven I ran to.
"The first one is always like that" he said pulling the poorly formed curls on my head
"How are you always so calm after doing things like that?" I weakly asked back. We were in such a comfortable position that I was currently fighting sleep to entertain the rest of this conversation, even though sleep and comfortability should have been the last things I was concerned with.
"If you've been doing this as long as I have you'll eventually get used to it"
"As long as you have?"
He shuffled around nervously still holding me close to him but made sure we could see each other's face.
"I saw my parents...murdered in our home when I was 13. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We had argued about school that night and I stormed off to bed. It was exactly 11:09 when I heard the first gunshot followed by my mom screaming. When I got to them my father had been shot in his stomach and head, he was already dead. I saw the murderer slice my mothers throat and he made eye contact with me as he did it. I still remember what it felt like grabbing a gun for the first time and seeing how it affected the person on the other end"
Even though I was looking right at him I hadn't noticed that he had started to tear up. I cupped his cheek and wiped the tear that fell as we gazed into each other's eyes. His eyes weren't black anymore they had softened to their original brown, so soft that they twinkled under the moonlight that shone through the window.
"You were scared of what I asked you to do today weren't you?" He muttered looking away from me.
Weirdly enough I could feel the lack of emotion he had whenever he lied to me about his relationship with his family. His tone, voice, movement and gestures had all slowed down and were much softer than usual. It felt weird but 100 percent appropriate.
"I was afraid of you today. I have been for a while but I tried pretending like I wasn't. I tried pretending that you weren't a monster and neither was I but today, today I really couldn't pretend anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. i don't want this or us anymore."
I sat up away from him feeling physically and emotionally exposed. I brought my knees to my chest in an attempt to cover my nakedness and comfort myself. I looked over my shoulder to look at his face but he was largely unresponsive. He only moved to lay on his back, he didn't look at me either, he focused on the ceiling and it made him look vulnerable. So vulnerable that I felt bad for leaving the warmth of his hug. I moved from the foetal position i sat in and mimicked his body language. I snaked my hand into his and held onto it tight to show him that, even though I was unsure, scared and confused, I cared about him.
Why was it so hard for me to tell him this was over and I didn't want any of this anymore. The summer I spent with him was full of me reminding him that once summer was over so were we. I would constantly remind him that this was nothing more than a summer fling but here I was, waist deep in an emotional rollercoaster we called a relationship 6 months after our supposed 'summer' was over. We couldn't be apart but we certainly couldn't stay together.
"Dean?"
"I love you." I whispered out of exhaustion feeling sleep take me.
I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be
And satisfaction feels like a distant memory
And I can't help myself
All I wanna hear her say is are you mine?
I'd been waiting to hear her tell me she loved me.
It had been one hell of a night but I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't usually feel remorseful but this time I did and it bothered me. I watched as her chest rose and fell. She had so much control over me and she didn't even know it. If she told me to run best believe I would sprint. I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to please her, I wanted to protect her and if all of that meant leaving her for a while so she was happy then I would do it no matter how much it hurt me. We couldn't be apart but we certainly couldn't stay together.
I sat on the desk with the lamp that the motel provided pouring my heart out on a piece of paper. It seemed to be the only way I could get my emotions out without hurting people, not that I cared, I did this for jasmine so she knows where my head is.
I smoked my last cigarette in her presence but watched her as I did it. She simultaneously brought out the worst and best in me, but it was a shame she could only see the bad. I thought back to the moment we shared before she fell asleep, when she slowly curled into my chest and muttered how she wanted to start over with me so she could fall in love properly. How she gripped my hand tighter even though she was falling asleep. I was so in love with her.
I paced up and down the length of the room thinking if this was what I really wanted to do for her. What about what I wanted and what made me happy? Selflessness only came as a result of being with her, I liked how it felt to care about someone other than yourself maybe even more than yourself. I leant into her a she slept, inhaling her sweet scent for the last time. As I went to plant a kiss on her soft almond toned skin she turned to face me and caught my lips in a kiss.
She was still half asleep but her eyes fluttered open and she briefly looked at me
"Where are you going" she tiredly croaked rubbing her eyes
"I have business to take care of kitten I'll be back" I lied knowing if I told her the truth she'd probably lose her mind
"Please be safe and make sure you come back quickly so we can go home okay?" She whispered stretching cutely.
"Okay Jasmine" I smiled regretfully just wanting to smother her in a hug
"I love you Dean"
"I love you too Jasmine"
YOU ARE READING
Toxic Summer | Kwon Hyuk.
Fanfiction"do you ever wonder how different things would be if we met like normal people?" {R-rated Mature content ahead} Started : 22/07/17 Finished :
