Dear Umi, I love you

Dear Umi, I need you-part 2

Dear Umi, This has become a regular weekly thing. I don't know why because every time after I'm done, I cry for what seems like hours until I fall asleep. Shayla says I shouldn't do this, it would only add to my stress and it's not good for me. I don't know how to explain why I do this. I know Shayla is only looking out for me and I love her for it but I don't have anyone else to talk to and Shayla wouldn't understand how I feel. At the moment it feels like the world is against me. I know you would have stood by my side through anything.

Tomorrow I'm taking the twins to Grandma's house. I visited her yesterday, she nearly kicked me out. I explained why I was there before she could. She agreed to take them in. I thought Abu would have a problem with it but he was more than happy for them to leave. I pray to Allah that Abu recovers from this turmoil. It’s like I'm meeting my Father for the first time. The cold hearted version of him scares me senseless. 

At least the twins are a bit better. They have been eating regularly and playing smiling and all that. I don't know if it’s a show because whenever they smile it doesn't reach their eyes. The nanny said they have nightmares.

You leaving have had more effect on them than me. I feel like I'm being selfish, putting myself as the victim. They're kids. They won’t have the chance to wake up to your delicious cooking anymore. I mean, I had the privilege of having the best childhood ever because of you. I feel sad that they won't get to experience a mother’s love through the horrible problems life throws at them.

Islam teaches us to thank Allah for everything he does. I don't know how to thank Him. Because of this situation were in, our family has been torn apart. I want to be a good Muslim and understand but I can’t help but have doubts too.

You have taught me so much.  You have been there when times were tough, picked me up when I thought I couldn't stand. You can't expect me to understand me to let go. I can’t let go and quite frankly I think I never will.

I need you- Jassalina

A/N: It has been a long time since I updated. I’m sorry if it’s too short. I’m gonna try to upload sometime this week. Ma- salama  ^^