Dear Umi, I love you

Dear Umi- Life is Difficult.

Dear Umi,

I was remembering one of the things you used to say to me when I was feeling like life was unfair;

When life is difficult, Allah is just testing your endurance and tolerance to the nuisance of this dunya. So let your belief for Him shine through and he shall repay for your faith.

I remembered this today when I had just finished praying Dhuhr.

I've moved out of Shayla's place. She was too 'party animal' for me. Don't get me wrong, I loved having fun too. You know that more than anybody.

You know how she is a non- Muslim and having a non-Muslims as a best friend has it's ups and downs. I'm only going to list one of the downs.

Alcohol, she tried to pressure me into drinking it. She said it would take all my problems away. I told her many times why I couldn't drink, but she still insisted. It was becoming irritable and I snapped and said some unrepeatable things to her. I know, I'm a bad Muslim, I never said I was perfect.

You were. All the time.

I somehow convinced your mother to allow me to stay with her and the twins. This place, it reminds me of my childhood, it hurts so much.

Like a hundred needles poking my skin at once.

I remember how we used to come to Grandma's place whenever Abu was out of town because the house felt so lonely without him.

Good memories and happy times we had.

They were my favorite times.

When you and grandma told me stories of your childhood. I remember you would lay my head on your lap and plait my hair as Grandma told me your embarrassing child stories.

There are photo's of you on every wall of this house.

Every wall.

I can clearly see who Grandma's favorite child was.

It is a bit tense between Grandma and I. She hasn't spoken to me since I moved in. I feel like I'm losing her too. I need her the most right now and she is deliberately avoiding me.

As for the twins, they are my source of happiness. With everything that has happened to them they still seem to have hope.

Hope.

The one thing I need the most right now.

The one thing I don't have right now.

Abu...

Abu.

I can't wrap my mind around him. You know what, I'm not even going to go there. I'll just end up crying harder when I reread this.

You know what I don't understand?

Islam.

Islam itself means peace and preaches "spread love, peace and prosperity" or "Don't fight hate with hate."

Well, how am I suppose to stay positive when your entire family hates me. When you were around they loved me, now your gone and suddenly it's my fault.

It's my fault.

Its almost laughable, my fault.

What did I do to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve this vile unadulterated hatred they have for me?

The prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us to love our haters, but how?

How do I do love people who hate me?

I'm a flawed human, I can't become the person you always wanted me to be, I really do want to make you proud wherever you are.

But is it really my fault? Am I the reason you are not around? Could it really be my fault?

Ya Allah! Why me? What did I do to deserve ALL this? Why mess up my life? Why couldn't you let me be, let me live my life?

I know what you say if you were with me right now: Don't let shaitan win!

Don't worry, I won't let him but it doesn't seem like the odds are in my favour.

-Jassalina.

A/N

Sorry for the late updates.

Dhuhr- One of the five daily prayers, prayed between at (or between)  12.30pm- 1.30pm (where I come from)

Shaitan- The devil, Lucifer or whatever you call him.

Dunya- this world (I think)

(SAW) -peace be upon him.

Thanks for the votes and comments it means a lot. Shukran ^^