I'll Find You

Inner Demons

They say don't let them in
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again
But when I'm all alone, they show up on their own
'Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire
Inner demons don't play by the rules
----Inner Demons, Julia Brennan

Grayson knew he couldn't be upset. He was a thousand percent certain that Luke and Cait were just friends. He knew that. But he'd had a visceral reaction to seeing her in Luke's jersey. Hugging Luke.

Now he understood how upset she'd been the week before. It wasn't rational. You couldn't reason your way out of it. It was just an emotional reaction. And he needed to get it under control.

He'd never considered himself possessive. He'd always wanted to give Cait space to be herself. But in that moment, he wanted nothing more than to somehow mark her as his. He wanted the entire world to know that she belonged to him.  It was primal.

Grayson took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.
*****
He was back in the apartment when she called him after the game.  He was determined not to say anything.  Not about her in Luke's jersey and not about the picture on Twitter of them leaving the arena together after the game.  Of course, he should have known that he couldn't hide anything from Cait.

She saw through his bullshit in about a minute and a half.  "Grayson, tell me what's wrong," she finally snapped. "I can tell something is bothering you and I don't think you're nervous about playing Bowie State tomorrow."

"How am I ever gonna have any secrets from you?" he grumbled. 

"Who says you're supposed to?" she returned, but then her tone softened.  "Are you upset with me?"

"No, I'm not.  I know that I have nothing to be upset over," he sighed. 

"Baby, please tell me what's bothering you," she whispered. "This isn't about the freshmen being suspended for tomorrow, is it?"

"No, it has nothing to do with that, although I'm apparently going to have to start checking their homework, on top of everything else," he huffed.

"A dad's work is never done," Cait laughed softly.  "But if it isn't that, then tell me what's wrong."

It's just that I'm a hypocrite," he started.  He took a deep breath.  "Last week, when that godawful tweet came out, I, well, after it was over and I knew we were okay, I was bothered by something.  You said that you knew, deep down, that I didn't have any feelings for that girl, but that it still hurt for you to see that.  And I couldn't understand that.  It didn't make sense to me -"

"Grayson , I -"

"No, wait," he said.  "For once don't be so damn impatient.  I didn't understand it until tonight.  Cait, I'm totally certain that you and Luke are just friends.  I know that, without a doubt.  But when I saw you in his jersey tonight, hugging him, I understood what you felt last week.  Even though I didn't doubt your feelings for me, it hurt.  It was uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry, Gray," she said quietly.  "I never meant -"

"I know you didn't.  And I don't even know if I can explain what I was feeling.  I wasn't just angry.  I felt like I wanted to somehow brand you as belonging to me.  I'm not proud of it, Cait, but that's what I felt."