I'll Find You

Heavy

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
——Heavy, Linkin Park

March 8, 2018

Cait tried to do some reading for one of her classes on the flight to New York, but she couldn't seem to focus.  Part of her knew that a lot of her thoughts weren't entirely rational right now.  But she couldn't seem to shut them off. 

She was starting to feel slightly better, was able to move around a lot more.  By the time she got back to Durham, she would be able to drive again.  She was down to one nap a day, no more pain meds, and she was able to walk around, even if she still wasn't allowed to lift much of anything.

But she felt empty, a kind of empty she hadn't felt for a very long time, not since right after her injury.  She couldn't seem to find the motivation to get caught up on her school work, and the amount she had to do was crushing.  She spent most of her time just worrying.  Worrying about the future.  Worrying about Grayson.

They hadn't really had any opportunity to discuss the specifics of her surgery or the possible implications of it.  They weren't alone much and even if they had been, Cait wasn't about to ruin this month for him.  He was doing so well.  And this was a time he needed to enjoy, something he would want to cherish.  She wasn't about to tarnish that with her fears about the two of them.  She loved him too much to do that.

So her smiles were forced and her voice was quiet, but she did the best she could to try to act normally.  She resolved that the burdens that she carried would be hers alone, at least for the time being.

She arrived in New York and got to go see their place by Bryant Park, but her father wanted her to stay in his larger Park Avenue residence where he could keep an eye on her.  The Bryant Park apartment had turned out just as she'd envisioned.  But the reality made her cry.  She'd wanted this to be someplace she shared with Grayson.  But she was suddenly very afraid that they might not ever share this, or any other, place.

*****

Grayson noticed that she wasn't bouncing back, even just from talking to her on the phone.  He knew she was worried about her school work and he wrote off some of her demeanor to that.  He, of all people, knew how overwhelming that could be and he'd been concerned all along about the course load that she was taking.  He knew she still tired easily and sensed that she was just dealing with a lot right now.

Unfortunately, he wasn't in any position to be much help.  Grayson had his own responsibilities to deal with.  March was always insanely busy, at least for as long as the season lasted.  He'd been foolish enough to think that they'd finally have time together when she came back. But the reality was that his schedule was packed. And knowing that he only had a handful of games left made him a bit edgy.

He also still had to deal with the kids.  This was all new to them and he worried that they weren't prepared for the fish bowl they were about to be dropped into.  During the regular season, they were all scrutinized, but Grayson knew that increased tenfold in the post season.  He hoped that they were getting the picture, but really, how could they?  It was something that had to be experienced to be believed.

Right now, he had a game to worry about, a game that, fortunately, Cait would be attending.  He wanted to focus on that, on reminding himself to stop and enjoy the moments, for however long he could.