The Words Of A Poet

Can You Hear Me Now?

Why do I feel like I'm losing all control?
Sounds are fading;can't speak,I'm screaming can you hear me now?
Tell me you can hear me...

It was a typical night,not much to do
Her and a friend just hanging out in her room;they were never the cool girls in school so when someone would text them they didn't know what to do...
Said"We're just chillin and watching Netflix".
He said"We got some liquor come and kick it".
Now he was older and they didn't think for a second;that he would want to hang with them...especially since they were just freshman...
But who knows maybe he'll think we're cool and when we get back to school they'll think of us differently,right?
She asked and she said"I'm down",he said"Cool".
They picked them up around the corner
A little tipsy already from drinking;they found some liquor in the cabinet earlier...
They never really drank so needless to say drinking too much never occurred to them.
Snuck out the house and got in the car.
They said"The house isn't too far";so they parked the car and walked a little bit before they snuck into a window of one of the kids basement.
Coolest kids on the football team,5 of them all laughing it seemed.
Everything was all good enough...
Poured the liquor and said"You have to drink out the bitch cup now".
She thought it was game.
She didn't want it to seem like she couldn't hang and drank it all down...
Then taking sips out the bottle.
By the time she looked around she couldn't find her friend;thought that something wasn't right and began feeling awful.
This is where it all gets hazy...
She remembers being picked up and carried to a room...
It all started going fuzzy;fading in and out
She came to;he's on top of her with his friends around.
"No,stop!" "What you doing?!" "Quit playing!"
She couldn't really move and she was so drunk;but she kept saying it.

He put his hand into her pants...
She didn't know what he was doing.
She said it again;tried pushing it away saying "No".
But her eyes were barley open and she just couldn't move around.
Felt him take off her shirt.
But she couldn't tell;it looked like his friend started filming too.
Heard the sound of his voice...
His breath on her neck...
Felt his hand push her down.
And that's it.
It went black.
She don't remember anything after that.

She woke up to the sound of her mom shaking her.
Her front yard,5 am,in the middle of winter
Said the temperature was 21 degrees...
And her hair had almost been completely frozen to the concrete.
Still hazy when she walked inside.
Remembered she kept asking"Are you alright?!"
Took her clothes off and put her in the bath tub;saw marks on her body
Asked"Were you attacked?!"
She couldn't really put the words together
The whole was spinning room and she just started crying.
The next thing she remembers is the doctor asking her questions...
Even now it's hard to even recollect it.
They said"Rape".
And now the cops are showing up
Asking her where she was last night and what had happened;but still in shock
Her brother had found her phone last night...
With all the people she had texted last night in the snow.
They took them into custody.
It made the news...
Small town...football player been accused...of sexual assault.
She didn't know what it was called;she really felt it was her fault.

The next day at school...
She was outcast.
The whole student body had heard about it;she just wanted to pretend it didn't happen.
But this word of a video got around.
They called her a "Slut" and "Lying bitch".
Why the fuck would she accuse someone like him to get attention?
And even if she wasn't lying she probably wanted him...
And if she didn't she should drink and learn her lessons.
It all feels like a real bad dream;and everybody is staring it feels like
She can still feel the spots where he touched her...
Her life is over.
How could anybody love her?
Now even adults think she's making this up.
And all friends she did have were too afraid to speak up.
Pray to god this would all just go away;she keep counting the days till the court case is over.
Just a little validation;since she ruined his life...
It's amazing.
Let's these thoughts just run all day.
Just go to sleep now.
The only way to escape it.

She woke up to the sound of her mom screaming first.
Said"They let them all walk".
She thought she was dreaming first.
They were kids and have they're whole lives ahead of them;and not let some little mistake and a girl threatened it.
Plus his dad was a senator with connections...
"Just boys being boys".
They had all learned their lessons.
Couldn't believe it.
Just wanted justice;and more than that she just wanted them to admit...
But she was disregarded.
And in the backlash.
They had her name attached to slut in the hashtags.
Opens twitter...
The notifications blew up.
Saying"She should kill herself" and that "She deserved it".
And then from that night;and all the court dates since...
Couldn't prepare for all the hurt those words did.
Sick of crying and being under a microscope;having her women hood be the topic of conversation.
Half the town thinks he's innocent;happy to get him back on the field so he can win again.

Turn the computer off and chuck the phone.
Like what the fuck happened to my life?
Cause I don't know;but future room in the reputation is nothing...
And she keeps taking all these pills but it don't numb it.
She said"Fuck it" for the last time.
Maybe these people on Facebook are right...
Grabbed a belt she found in the top drawer;then she took it to her bathroom to tie it up.
Could barley see through these tears.
But she kept hearing people call her a liar as she stepped on the lip of the tub.
You don't know how dark this life gets;sick of living her whole life in regret.
So she took a deep breathe.
Closed her eyes.
Then she stepped.

It was never the abuse.
The assault.
The rape.
It was the aftermath...