A Love Story that Never Was

Chapter 5

Anger

I must admit it. I am angry. Angry at myself for being in this position. Angry at the one who hurt me so thoughtlessly, so selfishly, so heartlessly. Angry at GOD for not protecting me.

There I've said it. The unmentionable. Being angry at God.

I tiptoe around that set of emotions and hope they will go away. If I ignore them, perhaps these feelings will fade to black and I will never have to deal with my disappointment in HIM. I will never have to questions His motives. Why did He allow this to happen? Didn't he know how much I would suffer? How can He allow this sort of thing to go on unchecked? How am I supposed to believe He loves me when He allows me to be hurt like this?

I feel justified in my anger at my offender. He is wrong. Wrong to inflict suffering on another human soul. Would he deal as graciously with his pain if the tables were turned? How could he lead my heart down the garden path of trust and then so viciously betray my love?

The bigger question is, WHY?

But I realized, whether the situation is REJECTION, BETRAYAL, BROKEN PROMISES or DECEPTION, the pain and the questions are the same? Couldn't he have done things differently? Shown a measure of kindness or consideration? Given some kind of warning? Let me down a little easier - or not at all?

Was I truly naive or oblivious? Blame points at anger finger at me and cries, "It's all my fault, how could I have been so stupid?" How quickly I succumb to false condemnation when i feel i have no one else to blame.

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT." Those words echo over and over through the caverns of my soul, burning a hole and leaving permanent imprints in my personality. How many times around this mountain before I get it right? Why didn't I pay attention to the signs along the way? Next time, I will be more cautious. NO! THERE WON'T BE NEXT TIME!

Walls called 'NEVER AGAIN" are erected, causing me to feel comfort and imaginary protection. To remain ANGRY is not to feel. Not to feel sadness, pain . . . anything. It is better this way. To be separated from myself. To forbid the heart to breathe. To punish the offender with silence and empty stares.

To withhold my heart from God is BRIBERY. Perhaps He will do something now if He really loves me. That's fair. He understands. He can even relate. He knows how it feels to be angry. Angry at the rejection of those He deserved attention from.

Yes, GOD will allow me my moment of anger, if that's what it takes to get me through this moment. HE only asks that I not remain there. Anger will smother my ability to praise GOD. It will remind me of all the unyielded rights I struggle to surrender. It will cut off my joy and drain me of my strength. It will hinder me from MOVING ON. Therefore, I will blind me from receiving the promises of GOD. This is when anger makes the subtle transition, from friend to foe.

ANGER will not assist me in moving from this place. It will plant its feet in front of me and challenge me to get past it. I must indulge my anger for a moment, but I have to discard it like an unfaithful lover. Its intention toward me is not pure and will give birth to no good thing. But by all means, I must entertain it for an afternoon.

I WANT TO VENT, SCREAM, RAGE. I WANT TO LET IT ALL HANG OUT AND THEN USHER ANGER TO THE DOOR. For the way to FREEDOM is more difficult to find in the DARK.

Who doesn't become angry? Everyone does. If I were to choose another life, I would want it to be straight - whether a boy or a girl. So that my anger is genuine, being true as I should possibly and must be.