Dear: Hell

I (You) Am Ashamed Of Who I Am

An ode to most of the things I felt ashamed of or that I was told to be ashamed of.  

I am ashamed
to walk around with
these clothes called skin
that drape over my bones
3 sizes too big.

I am ashamed
to play metal music
for people because
"It doesn't suit me"
they say now music is cramped
within headphones
never to reach public ears.

I am ashamed
of not turning in
homework on time
because today was like
walking through a lake. Body
half submerged in icicle
water and weeds tied
themselves around my legs
tugging me to the bottom
and I just needed some space.

I am ashamed
of not being good enough
like the words
that float out of people's mouths
are law and I must obey, but
I can't because it strips my bones
leaving only skin to walk.

I am ashamed
of eating out because
this world is full of stereotypical people
who's minds takes a leap of faith and
now I am crammed into a category.

I am ashamed
to ask for help. Someone
reached down my throat,
nails scraping tissue
because they wanted
to leave marks.
My voice was stripped.

I am ashamed
of not leaving my room,
but these four walls to others
are prison bars, but to me
is holy ground,
the internet is my holy book.

I am ashamed
to buy more books
then I can read in a month,
because why waste money
on things you like.

I am ashamed
of doing a paper route
because an old toxic friend
once said it was a child's job.
They wanted a real job, but
how do I get a "real job"
when I know my dear friend stress
will come and pull the trigger for me.

I wrote this list for
the people who don't understand
the value their words have done
to my collapsing structure of a mind.
I won't be ashamed anymore of the life
I live because it isn't ordinary
that gets you places
it's being extraordinary that does.