While We're Alive

It's better

Sometimes I miss you.
Sometimes I think about picking your name,
Unlocking the gates that separate us,
And restarting ourselves over.
We could forget about all that happened
And pretend we're fine.
Pretend there wasn't hurt.
Pretend there weren't tears.
Pretend like promises weren't shattered.
Pretend like words that can't be faded because they are carved on the back of my brain weren't said.

We could pretend like I didn't break myself in pieces and drowned in the unfamiliarity of myself, because I had undone who I was to know you more.
Pretend like I didn't have to go through a journey to find myself and who I really was again.
Pretend like I don't fear running into you because I'm not sure if I'd laugh or cry or scream. Or maybe I would do them all at once or by turns.

As much as there are times where I wish I hadn't said goodbye, I can see I made the right choice. I am better now, and I deserve to better myself.

Should you ever read this, friend, know that I am sorry for everything that happened. I acknowledge my mistakes and I had a lot of the blame to take.
I know I was wrong in many ways and didn't make things easy.
I'm better now.
I'm not afraid of aloneness.
My company is enough now.
I thank you for all you did for me.
And I know you maybe are still waiting for me to return.
But I'm not coming back this time.
I'm better now.

Good bye, friend.
Goodbye, brother.