i tried to kill myself..

how it impacted my life

yeah, what a stupid thing to say " how it impacted my life ". obviously it would take a toll on me but the thing is i wasn't prepared for it. no one really is in my opinion.

so i think everything got to this point because my depression started off when i was 12 years old.

i like to say it was triggered by the death of my dog. but i can't really blame it on him now can i? i started self harming with scissors at the time because i didn't know how to get razor blades and such. i was pretty much alone. i taught myself alot of things because i didn't have a friend who was dealing with the same thing. some of my friends noticed my scars and convinced me to tell my teacher, what a great idea that was. so i broke down and told my teacher everything which she told my mum. now this impacted my mum so much. like any mother or parent, she wanted me to be happy and safe but when she found out about my cutting addiction she was completely heartbroken. i can only imagine what she must have thought.

what have i done?

why didn't i see this happening?

why am i such a bad mum?

truth is she wasn't a bad parent. i had a great life, loving family, nice house, food, friends but when you have depression all of that just fades away. its like your drowning but you know how to swim but for some reason you just can't. i don't know if anyone can relate but thats what depression feels like for me. 

my mum put my feelings down to hormones like any mother would, not many 12 year olds have depression that i know of really. i don't blame my mum. its not her fault.

so when i left 6th grade and moved onto high school, i guess you could say things didn't work out well. like any 12 year old at the time i was scared because i didn't have any friends and it was a new school and it was scary. so i took up cutting except this time i used a safety pin i believe. no one knew what was going on, i wasn't seeing a therapist, no support. things got progressivley worse as the year went on because of a toxic friend. she too was dealing with self harm issues but was twisting the story into something that wasn't good. i was empathetic toward her but i couldn't fix her problems. i couldn't fix her. i wanted to but she needed professional help. 

so the year went on and in the very late 2016, i found out how to break a razor blade. so i broke several and cut deeper and deeper. i was at an extremely low point and i wasn't coping with life.

when the time came to go to school, the night before i grabbed my sharpest blade and started slicing up my arm. i had to call my mum to help me because my white sheets on my bed were drenched in blood. she was so heartbroken. i was too.

i still went to school the next day and thats when really everything started.

- to be continued -