6:45 am. I wake up, I take a cold shower, I get dressed. All in silence.
7:00 breakfast with dad and whichever 'girlfriend' he had chosen as his lap dog for the day. I glance up at the woman. She had a warm smile and brown eyes, though a little dull still held a spark.
She was probably new because she was able to look at something other than the ground or father. She almost looked familiar.
Then came the rehearsed conversation that always happened at breakfast. When I first spoke the new girl looked at me for a minute, like she was trying to figure out a puzzle. I ignored her look.
Then I felt like I could breath as I started to walk towards school. I knew when I get there I would be able to see Yoongi. And I also wouldn't have to worry about any stupid girl now.
I sat next to Yoongi when I got to my classroom. We followed our normal greeting of "hey" and "yo", but Yoongi was detatched during the whole exchange.
It had been a few days since I totally fell for Yoongi. He hadn't spoken to me once. He mostly stared off into space, not seeming to think. Distracted.
He was disracting me. I had started smiling more. I didn't know when it happened but yesterday I woke up, I looked in the mirror and I was smiling. It made me think how sad I was that I hadn't seen yoongi smile since kissing Mijin. I hated that. Yoongi deserved to be happy.
Even if his head was slightly more fucked than mine.
I know that I'm not normal. No normal person watches someone they like turn into someone the love by killing someone else they hate. No normal person takes cold showers to shut down their nervous system, at least for a little bit in the morning to feel absolutely nothing.
I wasn't always like this. Years of watching my mother slowly kill herself while I was young helped. She'd brush away the fact that my father didn't love her with some kind of opiate every few hours. Of course these made her very tired all the time. She'd start drifting to sleep an hour after waking up. So she'd start to take aderall along with them.
It was a recipe for disaster from the beginning. Raising me, as proof of something that might mean love kept her living maybe one or two more years. Then she started drinking. I had never seen my mother drink anything before the age of 8. After that I couldn't remember a time when she was sober.
Long story short, never mix your downers and your uppers. You may just stop breathing too. With you child snuggled up next to you, to protect him from nightmares.
I'm not scared of what could be underneath my bed now. I feel like it would be more scared of me. That's why it hides.
"Min Yoongi, you're being called into the office, again." The teacher said, holding a piece of paper an aid just gave him.
And just like that a friendly facade fell over Yoongi. It was his lie. One that kept others from seeing the something else there. The thing that others don't want to see.
The person who I want to know.
The sweetener always makes the coffee more interesting. But I still love black coffee.
~~~
Edited 12/27/17
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