"So what do you wanna do now?" Jungkook queried as we ate our perspective breakfast.
"I don't know." I honestly couldn't even remember what day it was, with everything that had gone on recently, I hadn't registered what day it had been since last thursday. Or was that two weeks ago?
"What day is it?" I asked out loud finally.
"It's Wednesday."
"Wednesday the what?" I snapped, maybe a little too impatiently.
"23rd, are you alright?"
"Fuck, that's almost three weeks." I took a long swig from my jug of blood. Why did I have to kill her.
"Yeah I suppose it has." Jungkook muttered in an absent-minded manner.
I stared at Jungkook as he ate, the way his brown hair would fall into his eyes, but never was brushed away. The smooth skin. Large round and sad brown eyes. I never noticed the sadness until now, I wanted to cheer him up. Remove the sadness from those warm brown eyes.
Or maybe he was sad because I hurt him? Then, maybe I don't deserve his kindness.
"Are you okay Jungkook? Did I hurt you yesterday? I always fuck things up, I'm so... "
"It's not you," Jungkooks eyes locked with mine as he spoken evenly. "I don't think you know what pain is if you think that hurt me."
I moved into a chair directly across from him now.
"Well, I guess we're skipping school now." I joked.
Only to get a small chuckle as he looked away from me.
What was pain? Was it stubbing my toe on the sofa twice, proving me to be a dumb bitch? Was it similar to the hunger I felt everyday, knawing at me.
"Can you tell me? I may as well start preparing to feel it now." I mumbled the question, not hoping to get any answer that I wanted from it.
Jungkook sighed.
~~~
We sat across from each other cross legged on my bed. Maybe I didn't want to know, maybe it's better to be naive. As naive as someone who drinks blood on the regular can be.
"Yoongi, are you sure you are ready to hear this?" Jungkook stared directly at a spot on the bed in between us, slouched with his hair in his beautiful, sad eyes.
"My mom was a wonderful person. She was the person who loved me, who cared for me unlocked anyone else ever has. I'm sure you understand."
He rubbed his palms on his thighs, continuing to look only at the bed.
"At least I thought she did. After she gave birth to me, the first thing she did was drink. Even though the doctor didn't want the stuff anywhere near her, she insisted. My mom had threatened to fire her assistant if she didn't go fetch the wine, or so I'm told."
"She drank from sunrise, to sunset. If you're ever in need of a post pregnancy diet, strictly vodka and rum will do it. " he smirked at the dark joke. His eyes cloudy.
"But she loved me. She had to. The only thing my dad could do, from the time I could walk and talk is ask 'if it's so wonderful, why can't it do a disappearing act? Self-abortion? Still-born?"
"Jungkook-" I stammered, taken aback slightly.
"No, no, she couldn't kill me, she loved me. She loved me enough to share one drink. One drink before the oxycontin. Before the dope. Before she decided she didn't actually love me."
"And when she decided that she didn't love me,"
Jungkook looked at me now, his eyes black, almost glistening with tears.
"she took away that loss, that lack of something with morphine. To take away pain. That took away my love."
He looked away and I felt the hurt of loss, loss of contact, of small intimacy I had to fight for.
" And she died. Inconsiderate of my pain, my inability to know anything but her. And my rude father. If you can even call him that."
I didn't know what to say, so we sat in silence. You could hear the hollowed noise inside the silence. The silence of Jungkook's pain, the silence of Yoongi's shock at this knowledge, the silence of a room with secrets spilt.
"And now I'm scared for you, Yoongi. Im scared that..." the sound of the front door slaming shut cut Jungkook off.
They both grew silent again, this time, in a silence that encased the two in fear.
"Yeah, I had a good night, he's a good man... Carol, you dirty creep, I would never tell you even if it was true... yeah I'll be in by noon, just grabbing some clean scrubs."
I heard my mom move past my door into her room and continue speaking on the phone until I heard her voice fade away and the noise of the door shutting again.
Why was I afraid of her finding me? Jungkook was scared? Maybe it's because I am a monster. Who could love me? For what I do makes me go out of my mind.
"Yoongi," I couldn't stand to hear another word.
I moved to sit next to him on the bed and leaned into his shoulder, hugging him.
"Just let me hold you." I felt Jungkook relax after the small inquiry. We laid down and I felt safe, warm, and wanted. I hoped he felt that way as well in that moment.
My breathing slowed a we both drifted to into sleep.
