Lost In You

T H I R T E E N

The drive home was awkward. Mum and Dad were sat in the front, talking in hushed tones and shooting glances back at me every few minutes, checking I was still here.

I was, much to my disappointment.

Tyler and I were sitting in the back, my feet thrown over his legs and my back against the window, I had a pillow behind my head to stop as much movement as possible, but it still hurt every time Dad went over a bump too fast. Tyler had his head tilted back against the seat, his mouth hanging open while quiet snores filled the sudden silences.

It was good to see him sleep, he looked like he needed it. Guilt flooded through me as I thought about what my actions had done to him, to my family.

I will get better, I vowed to myself.

My eyes drifted down at my calves, noticing how fat bulged out from where they were pressed against Tyler's. Tears sprung to my eyes and squeezed them shut. Willing them to go away.
I would not cry.

"Where's Gabby?" I asked, realising she would've been at home when they got called into the hospital.

"She's staying with Susie and Kelsey at the moment," Dad answered me, his voice still so foreign to me, considering I hadn't spoken to him in a year and a half. I felt sick as I thought about Susie and Kelsey, they had been the beginning of this. It started with small comments about how much I would eat when we went for dinner, then it progressed to comments about what size of clothing I wore. Even when I dropped from a 10 to a 6, they still told me I would be 'so much better' if I just dropped down a size. I got to a size 4 in the next month. Then Kelsey told me to go through her old clothes and pick what I wanted. They were all too small, we were 14 and she was the smallest size possible.

Maybe you're just too fat.

Her words echoed in my mind for years after that, still ringing in my ears when a pair of jeans wouldn't fit me. They rang through my mind last week, when I went shopping with Kara and couldn't fit a pair of jeans.

I couldn't get away from them.

"Home, sweet home!" Mum cooed when we pulled up in front of the house, any trace of the heartbroken person I'd seen a few hours ago was gone. She was back to her fake, oblivious self. My eyes met the roof.

Dad's car door slammed shut and he stalked up to the front door. Mum followed suit, glancing behind her to see if I was coming, one perfect eyebrow arched high. Anger flared in my chest when I saw Dad moving around through the kitchen window. As if he still lived there.

He'd left us.

He'd left me.

Believe it or not, Dad and I had been so close before he'd left. We did everything together. He held me through my nightmares, brought me ice cream when I had broken my arm. He'd wiped my tears when Aidan and I had fought and he had listened to me. He made me feel like I was important, like I was enough.

He was my best friend.

"I'll wake Tyler up," I said quietly, she hesitated for a moment, then nodded, disappearing into the house.

"Tyler," I murmured, shaking his shoulder. "Wake up."

He groaned and his head dropped into his chest.

"Tyler," I shook him again. His eyes opened slightly, widening when he realised we were home.

"Sorry..." He croaked, his voice deep and raspy.

"Let's go," I smiled and climbed out of the car, the cold biting at my skin instantly, a shiver broke out across my skin and I had to steady myself against the side of the car as heat flooded my body and stars spotted my vision.