Thoughts for the Flames

Thoughts During the Night

Sleep was always an issue for him. Thoughts filled into his mind and caused terror and stress. Because searching for the meaning of life at one in the morning is mandatory. This seemed to happen every night as well. Am I important?— Do I matter?— Do I cause pain?— Am I a sickness?

Yes, yes, yes, and oh my god... did I say yes? At least the young firebender knew that he was smart... smarter than Sokka at least. He knew how people really felt about him. Disgusting... selfish... traitor.

Sounds like Katara, Zuko pondered as he lain down on his bed. Well it's not just Katara who sounds like that now is it?

The exiled prince sighed and thought about the event that occurred earlier. Did they give me those poison berries on purpose? Were they trying to kill me? Zuko shook his head to himself. As if... no matter how much they hate me they would never do that.

Zuko ran his hands through his dark bangs.

I should have eaten them. But why? Why not.

Why not. Why not?

His heart started racing and he felt a pain deep within his chest. Do I... Do I want to die?

Although it was quiet, everything seemed louder to the scarred teen. The chirps of the crickets, the snores from Toph, the thumping of his heart— it all sounded like an avalanche falling on top of him. Crushing him. Demolishing him.

No one needs you. You're a mistake. You're a tragedy. You're a curse.

When was the last time you were hit? When was the last time you cried?

It's what I deserve. It's what you deserve.

You deserve punishment... but you're a coward. You are selfish. You can't take the responsibility!

Maybe it's time. Maybe it was always the time.

But... what does that mean?

Zuko didn't know. He never knows. His thoughts are muddled to him.

Punishment will come soon... when you finally find use for does swords of yours.

It's early. Too early. Only four or three hours of sleep— doesn't feel like I've slept at all —sitting there in front of the small mirror— I just want to slit my throat —trying to practice a smile— it makes the others happy... so why not —they'll never notice the difference. Never? Never.

Smiling when sad is an exceptional talent that Zuko... does not have. It's like firebending but emotional! Then again... he isn't exactly... smiling foresay... it's more like 'inside smiling'. Sort of like what he did yesterday... but fake. The funny thing is that yesterday I was faking as well.

But tricking people into thinking that he's okay is going to be hard. For one thing, Zuko can't just become 'happy' 'happy' all in one day! That would be too... suspicious— I sound like Sokka. And also, Zuko now has to find the perfect mix between 'brooding' and 'merry'. This is too much work; I rather sleep.

Smile. Frown. Smile. Frown. Smil—

The teenager grimaced at the feeling of his scar being wrinkled. That's when another thought hit him.

My appearance... I'm horrendous. Zuko looked into the tiny mirror he had in front of him. That scar... the dark circles... the hair... he looked like someone punched him in the face. Zuko let out a small laugh, thinking back to his banishment. Well... that isn't wrong.

He was sickly pale and his eyes were... peculiar. Were they always gold? I thought they were hazel... sort of. Did they change?

The firebender never cared much for his appearance but he couldn't help but wonder...

What happened?