Blizzard !

(13) Susanna's Musing's

Susanna normally woke up at 6:30 a.m. every morning on the dot, raring to go to her candy store and take care of her business.

This morning, however, was different.

There was a blizzard raging outside; at least five inches of snow were on her porch alone. 

No one was going to be stirring in the little town of Hoonah.

And then there was the miracle of Noah Darkcloud Brown asleep on his stomach next to her. 

Susanna thought he looked like one HOT angel and smiled to herself. She gently trailed her fingertips down Noah's long hair; out of it's customary ponytail. She felt blessed and lucky.

She realized there was something that she and Noah hadn't really talked about last night...children. Noah knew that Susanna couldn't have children, and that she wasn't really tempermentally suited for them.

Did Noah fully comprehend what that meant? No kids, ever. No adopting. Considering his family, especially his mother; Susanna wrinkled her nose in annoyance at Ami and her constant mantra of "Grandbabies, Grandbabies, GRANDBABIES!!" and, "having all her chicks tucked in her nest around her so she could keep them safe." Susanna thought that last part was sickening and mentally unhealthy. Lord, that woman got on her LAST nerve with her nagging!

Had Noah REALLY thought it through? If they got married, he would have to watch on the sideline's when his siblings started having their children, never having that particular experience. His Mom Ami would be giving Susanna the Evil Eye, and silently accuse her of hurting Noah. Babies were such a big deal with his family, she reflected. In hers; well, she was the last family member on her Mother's side that could have carried on that gene pool. Her refusal meant that the Hodovanecz Family had ended. She didn't feel that was such a bad thing. Sometimes, a gene pool needed to end. Susanna felt that God had agreed with her on this one. Susanna had her older brother Chris and her 2 cousins Kenny and Denny, who were around the same age as Chris. They had all married...but none had had any children. Her brother had really wanted children, but he and his wife couldn't conceive, no matter how hard they triedHer cousin's really didn't talk much about things like that. Susanna had flatly refused. She was vigilant in taking The Pill, but on the few occasions when she had messed up, and could've gotten pregnant, she'd said a huge and heartfelt "THANK YOU!!" to God when she didn't.

She knew she just wasn't cut out to be a Mom, and it really didn't bother her. She felt all of that energy and emotion she had expended on her Mom's alcoholism had drained her of those kinds of feelings. She didn't have the patience that was required of a parent and folks told her she would develop; it was long gone.  She would have expected her kids to snap to attention. She had grown up with manners, and knew better than to misbehave; so would her children! She would see kids throwing tantrums and the parents, sweet-talking them, trying to compromise with them; and she would shake her head and laugh. She wouldn't have dreamed of pulling stunts like that when she was a kid; her butt would STILL be stinging TODAY! Plus, there hadn't been a second sibling in her parent's marriage so she didn't know what that was like. It definitely was a blessing, she thought. It had been hard enough to take care of herself, and deal with her Mom; she couldn't imagine the strain it would have been if there had been a second sibling to worry about. She was an only child; and upon reflection she found she liked it that way. On very rare occasions, though, she had felt lonely, especially around the holidays. Now, she was getting close to the age where it wouldn't be safe for her to get pregnant. She wasn't going to change her mind, either.

Was that really fair to Noah?

Had Noah really thought it through?

Susanna studied Noah again, trailing her fingers through his hair and down his back. She was madly in love with Noah Darkcloud Brown; she couldn't help it. They had an incredible connection...

But was it enough?

It was something that needed to be discussed.

But, not right at this moment.

Like the Beatles, Susanna decided to just "Let It Be" and enjoy her handsome, beautiful lover. She lay back down on the bed, snuggled close to Noah and fell asleep while the blizzard howled and raged outside her snug house...