Underneath My Skin

Ch. 28

I didn't know exactly what I had until I lost it. Now I toss and turn at night because I am without you.

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I sit up and stretch a little. I look over at my alarm clock and it's nine in the morning. I look down at a peaceful sleeping Zayn. I smile and stand up. As soon as my feet hit the floor, my whole body aches. I haven't got a good nights sleep in over a month. I had to go to sapphire last night and he stayed here.. Thankfully, I have been staying inside the club. But, I feel like Tony wants me in the club so that he can watch me.

Sleeping in the same bed with Zayn still didn't help with my nightmares. But i've gained a little bit of control over them. I dont wake up screaming any more, only panicked. But, my panic attacks have worsened, plus they are always at the same time, four twenty six.. I'm still not quite sure what that means. Part of me wants to believe that Jackson is torturing me, haunting me. I only get a good three to four hours of sleep a night. I feel like my life is slowly draining. Like my body is deteriorating.

I have not been in contact with Dr. Monroe, and I don't plan to be. I'd rather suffer than be called crazy, and be examined and evaluated. To be a living experiment.

But something worse than my exhaustion would be not seeing Harry for more than a month. I went to his office after a week of avoiding him, and Bianca told me that he went to I England and didn't know when he would return. But why would he go back? I thought he told me that his family hated him.

A week after that, I went back to his office and another receptionist, Miranda, was filling in for Bianca because she too had went to England. Hearing that, snapped something inside of me and I lost it. That day was the day that my panic attacks worsened. That day was the day that I saw Jackson's dead body laying on the ground on every corner I turned.

But despite my craziness, Zayn has been by my side. I don't know if he's my boyfriend or if I'm his girlfriend. Zayn is still oblivious to all that's going on with me. I want to tell him, but I just cant. I feel like Zayn wont want to stick around and deal with a crazy bitch. He's only spent the night at my place a few times, and thankfully he's in no rush to have sex with me. He can tell that I'm sick and I know he can tell. My body looks weak and exhausted.

But on the bright side  Niall and I are too fond of each other. I've grown to trust him with my life, and when I need to vent, he's there to listen. If I didn't have him, I'd probably just give up on life.

I walk into the kitchen and there's a knock on the door. I walk over to it slowly and open it, it's Niall. He pushes me aside and heads straight to my fridge.

"Good morning Niall," I say while closing the door.

"Good morning Ri," he says cheerily.

He takes the carton of orange juice out and puts it to his lips. Disgusting. He chugs it, and when hes finished he closes the fridge and looks at me.

"You know where the cups are," I scold.

He shrugs. "It was almost empty anyways."

"Zayn is here," I say quietly.

He furrows a brow. "What?" He whisper-yells. "Did you two do anything?"

I roll my eyes. "No, Niall."

He breathes a breath of relief. Relief? Why relief? I walk closer to him until I'm standing right in front of him, I only want him to hear me.

"Have you heard from Harry?" I whisper.

He looks at me with wide eyes. I don't blame him for looking at me that way. After all this  time of Harry being gone, I haven't asked Niall if he's heard from him. I don't want Niall to know that not seeing Harry is making me fall apart. But I'm sure he can already tell.