Addicted

Confused -

I wasn't quite sure how I felt about the night I spent with Clarke or about her in general. She was certainly special and someone I actually liked hanging out with but she was also someone I wanted to protect from any kind of harm, even if I had to protect her from myself. That didn't really go as planned..
We hung out nearly every day, sometimes with Raven and Octavia and sometimes without. All of them grew on me, especially Clarke.

"What are you thinking about?" Octavia pulled me out of my thoughts. I had been picking at my food for quite some time, until Octavia decided to finally intervene.

"Nothing." I murmured, looking at my untouched cereal.
She cocked and eyebrow.
"Nothing?" She pointed at my bowl. "That's not nothing."
I shrugged.
"Come on Lex. I know you're thinking about Clarke." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm not!" I gritted my teeth a little too defensively.

Octavia rolled her eyes once again.
"It's pretty obvious you are." She said. "Clarke may be too blind to realize you actually like her but Raven and I aren't. We can see right through you."
I snorted slightly amused as I shoved a spoon of cereal into my mouth.
"Whatever." I mumbled with a full mouth to annoy Octavia since she didn't like my usual manners.

"Firstly, don't speak with your mouth full. That's just gross." I made a face, showing her what was still in my mouth.
"You're such a pig." She whined. "I really can't see why Clarke likes you."
"She likes me?"
"Wow." She laughed. "You really are as blind as Clarke."
"The fuck? Clarke is an idiot sandwich while I'm -"
"A dumbass." O interrupted.
"Octavia Blake, you're a meanie." I shoved some more spoons into my mouth and made a face at my soaked Froot Loops.

"Why don't you just ask her out?"
"Why don't you just ask Raven out?"
"What-" Her cheeks turned red.
"Don't play dumb O', we all know you're gay for Raven Reyes. And I bet you're feeling sexually frustrated since you're broth just friends."
She snorted and got up. "That's not true. Just because you aren't getting inside someone's pants and are sexually frustrated as a result of being indirectly curved doesn't mean I am too."

"You so are though." I winked playfully.
"I so am." She suddenly whined, grabbed her jacket and left.
As soon as she left, I took my bowl and drank the rest of my milk.

-
When I reached my locker I saw Clarke,Raven and Jasper, talking and joking around.
As I stared at her smile and her ocean blue eyes she turned her head and stared directly back into mine and for half a heartbeat I felt warm and dizzy.
Her smile grew wider as I approached them. Even though jasper was desperately trying to get her attention, her eyes were focused on me.

Suddenly Octavia's words echoed through my head and the warm and dizzy feeling disappeared.
Did I like Clarke? I wasn't sure at this point. All I saw was the sudden change of her face before I suddenly turned left and walked along the hallway.

Even if I liked her, I couldn't risk getting too close to her. I couldn't risk getting hurt, even less hurting her and I was sure I would if I let her in.
I sensed she liked me and I knew it was my fault that she did. It was my fault all along. I kept messing with her, kept kissing her, kept cuddling her and kept knocking on her door in the middle of nights, when her mother wasn't home.

I also knew I could never make her happy or give her all the love she needed because I just forgot how to love. Ever since Cos and me were separated and my parents died, I pushed everything close to love away and replaced my heart with ice.

Clarke really was special and was twinkling even brighter than the sun, moon and stars. She deserved the world and someone who could actually let her touch the stars. And I realized, even if it hurt like hell, I could never be that certain someone.

-
After school I went straight to soccer training to avoid bumping into Clarke.
No matter how hard I tried keeping her off my mind, she always slid right back into it. She was floating through my brain and tickled my heart, as if she had done that all along.
It was then when I knew I was screwed. I was falling for her.

My heart was racing when I saw her silhouette dancing around me. She was everywhere I looked at.
Then, I felt a sudden pain in my head as someone crashed into me and my head hit the ground.

"Watch where you going!" Payton, our captain hissed.
"You bumped into me." I hissed back.
"You were supposed to run after the ball and score Lexa." She pointed at the ball that ended up in our goal instead. "If you're so lost in your thoughts that you forget what you're doing, then you're done with soccer for today."
I snorted. "And who are you to tell me what to do?" Her brows jerked up. "I'll stay if you like it or not." I pushed her aside but she pushed me right back.
"You're slowing us down. Go home and come back next week for the sake of our team." 
"You better get out of my way or I'll rip out your captain and shove it up your ass." I gritted my teeth as I pushed her again. "I'll stay."

"No you're not. You've been absent minded since you've put on your shoes and now you're being aggressive towards your team mates.You're done for today." Our coach said angrily.
"But coach-"
"If you want to stay in the team you better pay more attention to what you're doing next time. Soccer season starts soon and I need players I can rely on." His face hardened. "See you next week."

I snorted as I grabbed my few things and huffed off.
I wasn't angry at Payton or the coach, no. I was angry at myself for not being able to separate my feelings from duty. It was my duty to  train hard and win this season to make my dad proud. He had always wanted me to play soccer and work hard to succeed. Now, I was threatened to lose my position in the team just because I couldn't handle my feelings for Clarke.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know whether I should give in and let my feelings for Clarke consume me or if I should keep my walls up.

I was so deep in my own thoughts when I suddenly saw a flash of blonde turning around the corner of our gym.
Clarke.
At first, I thought my mind had fooled me again but when I followed her hastily, I realized it was real. I nearly called her name but I was glad I didn't because what I saw wasn't meant for me to see.
She was standing across from Ontari, saying something I couldn't understand and just like that, Ontari punched her and pushed her onto the ground, and Clarke.. let her.

_______
Hey guys!!
I know it's been ages since my last update and as always..I've been hella busy. Also, I feel like my chapters gotten worse and worse. I'm having a writer's blockade and basically having a hard time finding the right words and plots for my story.
Hope you liked it though!'
Love y'all and leave some comments.
—
Btw some of you were pretty shy when it came to texting me. Fr, don't be shy and text me if you like. I don't bite and I'm always pretty bored and answer.
Also you can hmu on Snapchat: thesi_246

Love,
Res