Knuckles // Tradley AU

5. Chemical Feelings - Tris

"James, don't question me, but I need you to get me some Xanax." I whispered down the phone, shaking "Please."

"Tris-"

"Listen to me. Xanax." I cut him off, in desperate need of something before I went completely insane "It's either that or I blow my fucking brains against the wall. Your call."

"...Alright, alright." James sighed "This is the last time."

"Mhm, yep, last time." I nodded urgently "How long are you gonna be?"

"About an hour." He guessed "I've sent the message."

"God." I muttered "...Okay."

"Don't do anything stupid. I mean this is already pretty fucking stupid and I'm facilitating your stupid little addiction, but, you know, don't die on me." James tried to convince me, but I was too far gone.

"It's not an addiction." I snapped "I've gone months without it."

"And here we are." He sighed

"Now is not the time for your judgy comments." I sighed, my head hitting the cool tile of my bathroom as I threw it back, trying to stave off the intense thoughts of how much better I would look lifeless and not taking up oxygen.

"Okay okay." James sighed "I'm on my way to pick up now."

"Thank fuck." I whispered "It's so bad Jamesy."

"I know." He assured me down the phone "You wouldn't have asked for it if it wasn't. You've just gotta hang in there. We'll numb it down for you. Then we've gotta talk about it."

"Whatever." I sighed, closing my eyes right and willing the thoughts away, but they stayed and held their ground firmly. "You're gonna stay with me aren't you? Just incase."

"I'd never leave you to get high on this shit alone." He whispered "At least this way I can make sure you're not over dosing so much that you're literally going to die."

"Mhm...C-can you hurry up." I whispered, my eyes flickering to the bleach I knew was kept in the cabinet. It'd be so easy just to end it here. Just one mouthful. And it'd all be over. I'd have a satisfying burn and an end to it all, tied into one. How fucking convenient.

"I'm trying my hardest." James assured me "I've gotta go, I'll be back on the phone in five minutes, okay Tris?"

"Okay." I hummed "Thank you, James."

"Don't worry, Tris." James hummed before hanging up the phone. I heard him come into the house about fifteen minutes later, taking his time to get a glass of water before coming to find the mess that was me, laying on the bathroom floor.

"Come on tris." James hummed gently, pulling me up from the floor, leading me to the bedroom where he sat me on the bed and passed me a couple pills and the glass of water. "When you come down, I'll be here."

"Thanks James." I hummed with a small smile to show him I was grateful "Thank you."

"Don't sweat it." James sighed as I swallowed the pills, about five minutes later I began to feel the effects. I became increasingly drowsy and lethargic, it was almost as if I were drunk, but not quite. It was nice.

"Immago sleep jamesy." I mumbled, turning over in my bed "Nighty night."

I don't remember what he said next because, well, I passed out. I do remember waking up a couple hours later, feeling my depression sinking back into my chest.

"Hey." James whispered to me as I opened my eyes "How was it."

"Good." I hummed "I'm Still drowsy."

"You always are." James pointed out "You need to stop taking this."

"Mhm." I hummed, deciding not to listen to him, I didn't want to hear the same lecture I had been hearing for the past year, again.

"No. Seriously this time Tris." James sighed "I can't get caught buying you these things. What if Con works out I'm still doing it?"

"Mhm." I hummed, still not listening to him, not really bothered about what Connor thought. I didn't really like him anyway.

"Listen to me." James pleaded "I'm worried about you."

"You have been for years." I hummed, turning over to face the other side of the bed "Nothing's changed."

"Tris." James sighed "Please. Get help. I can't keep doing this shit. Get out of bed, change your life! Message that Brad boy!"

"I can't." I sighed "One, I'm depressed, two, I don't have that 'Brad boys' number."

"I do. I'll send it to you." James smiled a little "But only if you start making an effort."

"What does making an effort entail?" I sighed

"Getting off these drugs, not smoking, not drinking, showering and eating properly." James sighed "You know, normal human things."

"But all those things are impossible." I sighed "James I'm not being rude, but you just don't understand how impossible those things are for me! The only reason I haven't killed myself is because, one, you've walked in every time I was about to, and two, those drugs."

"Well at least try to get clean." James sighed "I remember there was a time when you were desperate to get better."

"Yeah. When I thought it would get better." I sighed "And now, I live in the real world where I know I have no purpose, I know there's no reason for me to be here, and most of all, it's not going to get better."

"Don't think like that." James sighed "That's why it's not getting any better, you're so negative!"

"Or maybe it's because this is as good as it gets for me, and the way you think you're helping, doesn't help at all." I replied, rolling my eyes.

"Don't be so harsh, Tris." He replied quietly "You have so much to live for."

"Do I?" I questioned "Because I have no car, no house, no job, no boyfriend, no money. Doesn't seem like much to live for."

"Well...uh, the future." James answered.

"The future that's just as dull, lifeless and useless as the present? Yeah I think I'll pass on that thanks." I sighed, rolling my eyes.