dear diary

her.

dear diary

i completely lost it today. i took it all out on my so-called best friend. i was done with her. she was attention seeking and it was really triggering to me and the rest of our friend group. i've been trying to tell her for so long to just tell the people the truth, to get help. but she isn't. instead, she cuts. she hurts herself. that's what's triggering. my other friend and i used to self-harm. we realized it was wrong and bad and we got help. today she acted all depressed and sad, and i tried to ask her what was wrong. she simply ignored me. after asking again, she freaked out on me. "i dont wanna fucking talk about it. it's none of your business. leave me alone." me, being the worried and good friend i was, went to my other friend, who was also worried. so, of course, we asked again. she proceeded to post about it on her snapchat story, saying to just leave her alone and that she wasn't okay so don't ask. that's when i got mad. that's when i called bullshit. that's when i straight up told her that it wasn't okay to act like this and then not get help for what you're going through, if anything at all. she talks a lot about her cutting, and i'm just so done with it. she refuses to get the help she needs, and when her friends get even the slightest bit concerned, it's the end of the fucking world. oh no, someone's actually worried about me?! better post more depressing shit!! it's a cycle. and we try, you know, we try to comfort her and help her. she complains about her parents; yet really, they're the nicest people i've ever met. they're extremely welcoming and friendly to me and the rest of our friend group. they do everything for her and she's just an ungrateful brat about it. she finds the dumbest things to be upset about, and when she can't, she doesn't tell anyone because it's literally nothing. i know that there doesn't always have to be something to be upset about, that that's not how depression works, i know. that's not the point, though. even if it was that, which it isn't, she still won't get the help she needs. she lies. she lies straight through her fucking teeth. we can't carry all of her problems and her own.

i try, i do. but my shoulders are only so fucking big, you know? eventually, i'll break. i'll fall right back to square one, where i was a year ago. yeah, i've been clean for a year. isn't that amazing? i'm proud of how far i've come in such a small amount of time, what with counseling and seeing a psychiatrist, getting on medicine to help with my mindset. but if i talk to her any fucking longer, i swear, all of that will get thrown away. i'll start to do bad things again, and i really do not want to do that. it feels like she deliberately tries to trigger us, to get us back down on her level. so you know what? i'm done. i'm done with her, i'm done with her bullshit. no more. there's no reason for her to act like this. she's on her own now. i'm going to the guidance counselor tomorrow and telling her everything, because holy shit, this girl needs serious help instead of attention. who cares if she makes the whole school hate me? i'm so done. i'm not going back to square one. no fucking way.