Ana's story

there is no title for this

(I have no title for this because this is a mix of all my thoughts at the moment p.s. I wrote this today)

I thought I knew love I didn't
I wanted to know love I really did
but I didn't and that's what brought me down
what made me broken?
was it the physics abuse
the mental abuse
the bullying
the constant doubt put in my head
or maybe it was the being compared to my amazing siblings
what brought on the depression?
was it the fact I was a loser
was it the being forced to hold my feelings in
or was it the fact I never made a real connection with my family
what brought the anorexia?
was it the being told I was fat at the ages of 3-12
or maybe the only being friends with guys because I was to "ugly" to date
maybe it was the time I told my best friend I liked him and he said why would I date you you're not a real girl
I wonder when all these problems came to me
maybe I'll never be able to answer them but that's ok
because who really wants to know
about my fucked up life
not so long ago if I killed my self
no one would've noticed
I lost all my friends at that time
no one liked me
no one talked to me
I ate lunch in the bathroom
I sat alone in class
no one wanted to dance with me at school dances
so why shouldn't I kill myself back then it would have saved me
from all this pain I've felt now and
it would have kept others
lives so much simpler without
having to deal with me and all my
stupid shit
like my two friends they wouldn't have to deal with my breakdowns
my boyfriend wouldn't have a
fucked up girlfriend who hates herself
my parents wouldn't have a child
to be disappointed in because
she's failing most of her classes
my siblings wouldn't have an
annoying younger sibling to bug them
about everything
no one would have to deal with me
and all my stupid shit and maybe
it'd be for the better
............
But now I can't leave
It would hurt those who I CARE
about but hey if I didn't let myself
get here they wouldn't be
frustrated with me
they wouldn't be stressed having
to figure out
WHATS WRONG THIS TIME
I know this one person they're probably gonna read this and let's just
say I love them they've always been
there for me but right now it
feels like all I am to them is a burden
like they really don't care
and hey maybe they don't and that's
ok cause if they don't want to
be around me anymore I'd
understand I mean I wouldn't want
to be around me either
and if you don't know who you are
that's ok cause then this will pass
by and we will all grow up
I'll move away you'll stay here
and then I'll grow old and die and so will you but who's to say my
death will be when I'm old maybe it'll be when I'm young by my own
and I'll be ok with that
Because then I wouldn't have to deal with all my shit

Love Ana Sparks