Untouchable

Chapter Five

This was official. I was insane. My first party, and I was being escorted by my dad and his friends. How lame could I get?

It was difficult for my dad to get me to go - I will admit I was curious - but I finally caved. Maybe to feel alive, I needed to fill it with distractions.

But why would I want to feel alive if my main goal was to die?

"You ready?" my dads voice droned through my door.

"Sure," I muttered.

I yanked my door open, and brushed past my dad. I went down the stairs, and walked to the car. I sighed when I saw my three uncles waiting in it. Uncle Mike was at the wheel, which meant he wouldn't be drinking. I sighed. That meant he would probably see through my walls tonight.

I climbed into the back, beside Ian. On the other side was Uncle Matt. On the bright side, I wouldn't have to sit beside my dad, but I would have to sit through this car ride beside Ian.

I did my seatbelt up, rested my head against the window, and let my silence engulf me. I ignored any words that may have been said to me, and pulled my knees up to my chest. The day outside matched my silence. It was windy, allowing for sounds to be washed away before they could be heard. The cloud level was low and thick, making for a dark grey sky.

I pondered what would happen tonight - would I finally get the attention I wanted? Perhaps tonight I could act like a totally different person. I could pretend I wasn't hurting. I could pretend like I was desirable; but would there even be people my age at this party?

A tap on my shoulder snapped me from my thoughts. I caught myself before grimacing at the fact Ian had touched me.

"You listening?" he asked.

I sat up straighter, and nodded my head.

"Anyways, I was saying there'll be some kids there your own age. Be a good opportunity to make some friends," Uncle Matt explained.

"Yeah. Sounds cool," I replied.

'Make some friends'

Hah. What kind of sick joke was that?

I leaned my head back against the window. It was times like these where the loneliness hit me the hardest. Everyone expected - or rather, they thought - that I was the kind of person that everyone liked. They thought I had tons of friends. They expected me to be nice, personable, outgoing. Once again, they were comparing me to my mom.

Well they were wrong.

Everybody hated me. I was so quiet people forgot I was there - although a lot of people went out of their way to ignore me. I had forgotten how to be nice a long time ago; I was damaged beyond repair.

"How is school?" Mike asked from the front.

Thankfully he was driving, and didn't look at me.

"School's school," I replied emotionless.

School was hell. It made me wonder if I was actually in that place, and that damn school was the torture for my wrong doings; some time in my life I had died, and now I was slowly wasting away. Maybe that's why my dad was so depressed - his daughter had died. Perhaps that was the reason my mother was nowhere to be found - she was alive, and I was dead.

Maybe I was never born. Maybe I died in my moms womb, and my punishment was to live the grief they felt. But that only made my next question more complicated.

Am I alive or dead?

I was interrupted from my thoughts, as the car pulled up to the house. Or rather - mansion; no, castle was a better description. I climbed from the car, stuffing my hands into my pockets. I followed the men at a distance, not wanting to have any contact with any of them. I could almost feel Uncle Mike's eyes boring down on me, but kept myself adverted.