Scented Roads

(10) Realizations

Dedicate to xieykhalil One of my first readers <3 Thank You for loving Amir so much :P

Furqan

.

I'm thinking about certain complexes in life
Certainly, not all decisions are easy to make
My mind is tiring me out
Should I jump when it is too scary to jump?
Or remain in this same setting forever?

.

Furqan hurriedly takes off his shoes, placing them inside the shoe rack. In his changing room, he has a wall length shoe rack fitted.

He moves towards his clothing rack and surfs for some comfy tracks and a plain loose t-shirt.

Finally deciding, he now wears a black and white combination of dressing.

He walks out of the room, in his fluffy cotton slippers, and makes his way to the kitchen. His second favorite place in the house. 

There is a menu placed near the fridge, stating the meal plan for the week, which Furqan changes frequently. This is no surprise seeing how organized Furqan likes to be.

However today, Furqan walks past the menu, ignoring his dinner routine, and brews himself some hot cappuccino instead.

For certain reasons, he does not feel like cooking today. All he wants to do is sit in a peaceful place and think.

When the coffee is ready, he takes it with him to his backyard.

The backyard is well maintained but lacks plants. It does however have a grass bedded floor.

It's completely empty except in one corner there is a huge swing with soft bedding and two cushions placed on it.

Furqan does not switch on the lights of the backyard.

He straight away walks to the swing and takes a seat. As the swing slowly moves backwards, his thoughts take him back to the past. 

"Ala", he whispers, staring at no particular thing. He then shakes his head, taking a sip of his coffee.

What will I gain if I accept her proposal? 

Perhaps a lot of trouble?

I don't want to be held responsible for ruining someone's life. I'm sure I won't do any good to her anyway. I sure can't give her the love she deserves nor the support a person yearns for. 

Ala? Our personalities clash. Can we really be anything at all? Should we be something?

I can't be normal. I have been living a life of seclusion for too long. I've become adapted to such a setting. 

But then there's this thought- having just one person does not feel sufficient and enough...

And then there's this thought- Having another person is scary. And, it feels wrong. Like I shouldn't yearn for it. I don't deserve it. I have come to liking the loneliness I feel. And now it's scary to allow another person in my life, to rely on her and be with her for most parts of my day. 

Do I really NOT want this though?, A companion?.

I can't understand my confusion, I have no answers.

Then there are these what if's that confuse me. What if I do accept her but lose her too? Will I be able to handle the loss of another person? Will I be able to love another person? Do I have it in me to give her the happiness she deserves?