Scented Roads

(12) The diary

Furqan

.

28 April 2012

"There is no fate worse than that of losing your parents. Perhaps it's God's mercy upon me that I have so less memories of them"

"It's has been four years since father left me. I wish my mind processed his image more definitely than it had done in our last meeting. During his last breathe, I wish I hadn't panicked and seen him so intently that his face unimpeded within, just as the memories that he has left me with have."

"I know you can't come back dad, but at least retain in my memories. Please, visit me in my dreams. Why is your image disappearing as the years are passing by? I don't want to let go of you so please visit my dreams more often."

"I was shifted to the same orphanage you and uncle Hameed grew up in. Is it wrong to be so happy to be here? I am so happy I have something left of you. I stayed in the same room that you used to live in, for two weeks, after you left me dad. I love that room more than any that I have lived in after Uncle Hameed took me in. He's a nice man, your brother. I really like him. But he's not you... And so I can't make myself to be as close to him as I have been with you. But I am trying, for your sake, to love him and to be happy with him. He has no one too, just like me."

"I am so sad today... The psychiatrist keeps saying I am not over you leaving. I am not. But I don't want to be either. I only ever loved you in this world, how can I not be sad? The kids at school bring their parents at the parent-teacher meet. Their parents comfort them, scold them, buy them ice- cream, run behind them... why do I not have any of this anymore?"

"Don't feel bad though, I will get through it. The best way to not feel pain is to avoid it. I get busy with books and sports when I am missing you too much. And you will be proud to know, I only cry in front of Allah. No one else! I have mastered a trick to control my outbursts. The trick is to not talk to a lot of people, this way I don't get emotional hearing them talk about their family and get upset. I don't have as many friends as I used to when you were around, but I find comfort in being alone..."

Furqan stops writing as his tears become uncontrollable. Unable to hold it in, he starts crying miserably, his tears drenching his shirt. The memories of his past consume him to the degree that even breathing is difficult for him. He is trembling, and he has lost focus of his surroundings.

The pen slips from his hands and falls down. It breaks, ink scattering all over the floor. He remains seated on his desk, alone, hysterically crying. His screaming sobs go unheard. His eyes burn, expressing the pain he had hidden all these years.

His bruised heart that always felt its cuts deepening, suddenly felt relief. The psychologist was right; writing it down did help take out all the bolt up emotions Furqan had within. It helped Furqan come in terms with his own feelings. He was miserable for the hours he cried but after it came relief.

However, Furqan did not write after that day. He was over whelmed by his emotions and he saw his failure in handling them. Even though it helped him become stronger, he despised the diary that had the reality of his life written in it.

28 April 2012, he wrote for the first time and last time in the diary that till now holds his pain.

15 February, 2018

Furqan sees Ala again, this time in the orphanage. Furqan likes to visit the orphanage every now and then. He has done this ever since he was fifteen.

His uncle used to live in a town, far away from where they reside now. At that time, mobile phones weren't common. So a letter was posted to Hameed when Yahyah, Furqan's father, died. Hameed received it ten days after the death of his brother. Hameed rushed to the city, leaving his job without a notice. It was a two days ride to the city and he arrived on the thirteenth day of Yahya's death.

He couldn't even mourn properly; he arrived and looked for his nephew. After meeting a very distraught Furqan being taken care by this orphanage, he dedicated all his time to heal the wounds of his nephew before catering to his own.

He took Furqan with him, to the town he lived at, after closing down Yahya's house and completing other formalities. Furqan then lived in the small town Hameed was posted in. The first two years Hameed tried his best to comfort and help Furqan. After failing several times, he finally made psychiatrist appointments for Furqan.

Furqan had stopped talking, eating and sleeping normally. Hameed would wake up in the middle of the night and often find Furqan sitting outside the house, staring at the stars.

But this wasn't all, Hameed's biggest concern was Furqan's emotions. He never cried. Furqan would look sad and hurt from time to time but he never cried. Nor did he ever speak about his father's death. He just avoided all conversations and as Hameed suspected, avoided his emotions.

Several consultations later, Furqan started to open up a bit. Hameed and Furqan's bond started getting stronger. It was then that Furqan insisted on shifting into the city. The psychiatrist agreed that living with students of his own age would do him good and Hameed made young Furqan enter into the hostel life.

Although it may have seemed difficult to others, for Furqan left the only family he had and moved into a town. For Furqan, it hadn't been hard at all. In fact he had become so emotionless that nothing mattered to him anymore. He only shifted to the city to visit this orphanage more. For him being closer to the orphanage felt like he was a little closer to his dad, since his dad had spent all his childhood in that place.

Furqan visits this orphanage every Saturday. It has become a habit that plays a big role in his happiness. He shares a brotherly bond with every child the orphanage accommodates.

Seeing Ala here is plain weird for him. It wasn't annoyance but confusion to see such a familiar face here. Not to mention, he did notice Ala at another café he had visited last week.

He sees Ala dressed up funny, in a mustard gown, a white scarf and some black sneakers. Her dressing sense is funny today but she pulls it off somehow.

Ala walks out of the orphanage's storage room and is walking towards the main building. What makes Furqan look at her twice is her eyes. To Furqan, it feels like Ala has been crying for quite some time.

It's odd but the truth is that, it isn't that he doesn't get affected by her emotions; it's just that her emotions are none of his business. And so he ignores Ala and walks out of the entrance, making his way to his blue BMW he has parked outside.

For some reason, for him to find Ala at the places he usually visits, is unsettling. What he isn't sure of is if it's unsettling in a bad way or in a good way...

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