Scented Roads

(14) Dairy entry: A blank day

Furqan

I haven't picked up the pen the last couple years. I've been busy and distracted.

How did I find time today? It doesn't matter... I'm writing because of a request I felt within. A request to be heard without making sound.

The past few days have been especially busy at my company. We had a fund raiser event and my team had a software launch. I didn't leave any free time for myself. But now that we have wrapped the project, the management offered a vacation for a few of us. I can't help but think I should use this vacation. I have always worked overtime to avoid having free time. I haven't been home during holidays ever since I joined this company. Even when I was sick, I choose the hospital ward above this lonely house.

I'm actually going through a few realisations this month. I think I've been running away from a lot of things all my life. And these few days I've found a space in my heart. A space to want to fix my life.

People have different fears. But that doesn't mean that one persons fear is more scarier than the others. It's all of the same intensity in the head of a person. Fear is derived from an indiviuals weakness. I thought I had none.

I was walking past a couple with their five year old when I realized how lonely I have been. There was bitterness in my heart looking at the child. I didn't intend for this feeling. It was an automatic response from my body.

He doesn't know how lucky he is to have his parents by his side. To have someone to look forward to seeing to everyday. To be able to have a meal with them. To be able to smile and wave them goodbye.

The hope to see someone again.

I don't know how all that feels.

I have had many moments in life that made me happy. But I'm only human. I have my heart burdened with all these things I can never have. A parents love, a family to console me on my bad days.

I do have Uncle. But I closed my shell so tight he couldn't get in. And now that I realize how I've been, I see that I've lost what I could have, while being sorrowful about what I can't. It's a sad realisation.

I didn't realise how closed off from the world I've have been. I don't plan to change my personality, I am what I am. However I do plan to overstep some boundaries that I've created for myself. I'll try.

I don't know what triggered this reaction. However I'm grateful, I can see life clearer now. The shell that I've been growing around me, I don't think it's necessary to break it. But I'll try to make space for people in my life, within that shell. Especially Uncle, he's after all the only family I have...

Realisations don't make you overcome fear. They only give you some courage to face fear. I think. I still don't know how I'm going to make people a part of my life but I know I'll try.

If ever there comes someone who wants to stay, I won't make them leave...

And if someone wants to leave... I'll try to make them stay...

... ...

Furqan hesitates to write the next few words. He puts his pen down and looks around his room.

It's empty.

He then looks at his diary again. Furqan is sitting on his bed, resting his back on the beds headrest. He has a soft pillow behind his back but he's not comfortable. His words make him uncomfortable. But writing them down is all he can do.

Furqan fixes his glasses. His little nose supports the big frame. The glasses suit his face, he looks boyish with them on. He had made his hair before dressing for bed today so they were still neat.

Today, he had the time to do everything before bed. He got fresh, changed, arranged the bed and picked up his journal from the back of his side drawer.

He would write in this journal from time to time, whenever his heart was heavy. The last entry was of 2016. He had been the busiest after that. Your heavy heart makes you want to be busier to avoid facing what hurts you. And Furqan, he can't help but hide in his work. That's his escape from his problems, overworking.

So he did that until today, 11 August 2019. When he saw something that hurt his heart again.

He mustered some courage and picked the pen again

...

There's a girl I've met a couple of times this year. She's short... not too short. I don't know if I can imagine her like this but I want to take this burden off my chest so I'll do it just for today.

I can't make whether she's tall or short, I guess it depends on perspective. She's... I saw her smile for the first time today. I looked only for a few seconds... I know I shouldn't have stared at her. It's wrong. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to myself I mean...

So she, smiles today and I... saw her smiling for the first time. By seeing an unfamiliar person smile, I felt happy.

That's all.

I don't understand my logic or where my rationality has been disappearing these days. However I do know for a fact that somethings changing in me. And I'm oddly curious about this stranger.

I turned away though. I don't think I should be around her.

By the way she refused the proposal Uncle sent to her house. I think it's for the best. But I can't help feeling a little disappointed.

Not that I am disappointed.

It's totally fine I have nothing to do with her anyway.

And I precisely remember we weren't at a similar stand in our conversation either.

....

"Do you sport long walks and just wandering around kind of stuff?" She had asked.

Furqan remembers the meeting with Ala. Longs walks and wandering around? Furqan never gave himself time for that.

Without another thought he closed his diary and kept it on his side table. he walked up from his bed and wore his slippers, heading outside his house.

She's not the reason I'm doing this, he consoled his mind, I want to experience how long walks and aimless wandering feels like!

Twenty minutes into the walk Furqan regrets his decision. He has drivin through the neighbourhood several times but has walked only during absolute necessity. He is standing far from his house, near the market. He feels empty and exhausted. He is taking a break from work but all he has is work to think about.

I guess long walks and aimless wandering is for people that have something special to think about or observe.

But Furqan...

He has nothing in his life but work.

And so as Furqan walked back home he thought of all the different things he should be introducing in his life so that he can have something to think about during timely walks.

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Eid Mubarak ❤❤