Demoted!!!

Day 3 -One More Boring Day-Feelings of Paranoia

October 28, 2017.

This day once more started with a cliché. I set up an alarm to 2 o'clock. I ignored it once again. I skipped it to three o'clock. I ignored it once again. It was Saturday—no classes, so I can sleep all I want. But it was a nice day—a nice day to sleep. What's wrong with me? It seems like my problem of procrastinating has not yet been solved. I just sigh in disappointment. I woke up around 8 AM. I put water in the washing machine, as what my mother asked me to. I ate burned fried bananas and now, lost in the way of life. I once again sigh in disappointment.

It seems like Saturday is day that I have the most free time. Doing the laundry? Sometimes me, sometimes my other family members. Homework? I have none. Studying? I do not need to. Further contests? I am readying for it. We have no internet in home. That means no Dissension and Google. No NWA either. I am totally free.

For most of the day, I just went to watch the anime named Close Game. The real title is not revealed due to copyright reasons. And I hate to be struck by copyright attacks. How about Google? Maybe. Anyhow, I watched. I read some manga, then utterly went to sleep. Again.

It was about 12:59 in the afternoon when I woke up, when my mother called me to wash the dishes I have procrastinated to wash for eighteen hours. I did it. Then I ate rice noodles and scrambled eggs. They were delicious.

HOWEVER.

While washing the dishes, in habit, I have listened to anime songs. Yet strange feelings have entered upon me. Anxiety? Close enough. It was paranoia. I have thought various thoughts of let-me-downs and underestimation, along with various thoughts of belittlement and mistrust.

"Who needs someone like him?"

"His skills are mediocre. How did someone like him enter this organization, by the way?"

"I really think that he did not deserve entering here in the first place."

I think I really hate my thoughts now. Am I being too negative? Or is it the actual truth that no one can say to me?

"I really think that he can improve, trust me. He can."

"Maybe he will be better once we show him that we are serious about this stuff."

"I have faith in him. Let's wait for some time. Maybe, when he returns, he will be a better person."

Some thoughts like that went into my head. However, I myself suppressed these kinds of thoughts. Why? All I have done was fluff—forgettable things that can be removed easily, things that can be replaced with no sweat at all. I think that the first thoughts I have thought is more likely.

"Huh? A second chance? I'd rather not see him again. His writing and attitude—they are too annoying."

"He needs to be a good person. But I know it's too late for him. He is not worthy to be given this kind of privilege."

"Kick him out completely—that's what's right for him. A mere commoner like him can be erased from history easily."

Some of my friends remark me as a very negative person when it comes to these kind of thoughts. Even I am scared of my tendencies to think like this. I myself are removing every last bit of motivation that will ever spawn from myself. Is it natural? Or is it my attitude? What kind of confusing questions am I asking myself?

I do not want to hope. One of the things why I am striving to re-enter NWA is to make friends with people who have skills that is wholly better than mine is. They may accept me, but that is just for my skill, and not for who I am. They may not socialize with me, for that is the person that I am right now, and most likely, in the future, too.

I really think that my way of thinking has a very huge erroneousness. Who can blame me? I can blame myself, for I think that I grew up that way. There are people with multiple personalities, right? Now I am just confusing myself.

"Hey, Alex. To be honest, I do not hate you. I am just concerned about your writing. You are not receptive to feedback, and even if we are warning you, you do not take steps so that you can improve yourself. I hope that you will fix these attitudes of yours, not only for the improvement of this organization, but also to yourself, as a writer."

Annabelle and Neenah said that to me, however in two messages, and I just combined them. Their messages really gave me the inspiration and hope I need to make myself better in terms of writing. As a solution, I made sure that this time, I would meet their expectations. I still have many days until the day I can finally retake the application test. And in that time I will swear, that anything might happen, I will take the road toward my improvement. That, in whole, I promise.

However, in anyone's life, many things will really hinder their advance. It may be their peers, superiors, family, and the worst of all—themselves. Any person has the tendency to think negatively. Any person has the tendency to procrastinate. And those tendencies are things that should be overcome, once again, for the betterment of themselves.

Never in my life have I thought that I should stop re-entering NWA, and never in my life will I. My thoughts may say that I am an infidel in trying to do something, but no. I must strive to attain the goal that I have. I must strive to once again find a place of belongingness in that organization, for this organization has given me the chance, to finally make a better change out of myself. I also have some selfish reasons. There, I can chat until I get tired of it, I can socialize with people that I like, and the best of all—I can use my greatest talent—to write until I cannot write anymore. That is the greatest motivation—one of the reasons that I can keep going until the very end.

.

.

.

.

.

Afterword!

Today, I have another mundane story that seemed to be another erroneous essay. This story is far from ordinary—it's too boring to even consider. However, who can tell me what I want to write? I know that this story is very confusing, and it strays from the path that it should be. Where are the dialogs? What can I expect from this featureless story?

If you think that you cannot take anymore, you can just easily stop. I even do not expect that people will come to like this story. This story is based on my life, and once again, it is very mundane, straight with no points of climax, for that is who I am—a mere commoner who just wants to write.

So, if it is based on your life, is NWA real?

Of course it is, but the name of the organization is not really Nor Writings Authority. I just exaggerated the name a little bit and their purpose. However, if you can figure it out, you can just contact me. So? Are we okay?

Once more, this story is bland and you cannot expect it to have any excitement. If ONE person comes to like this, then I am satisfied. However, that is something I actually find VERY UNLIKELY.