Demoted!!!

Day 9, 10, 11, and 12 -Four Days of Procrastination-Figuratively Entropic?

November 3-6, 2017.

Four days.

Really, thinking that I would spend four days of procrastinating-or more accurately, four days of cramming, doing things that I never thought that I would do is something not good in itself. Never before in my life that I thought that I would lose my inner motivation THIS easily. But then, who can I blame? Isn't it entirely my fault for being like this in the first place? Such a very unethical misdeed. I am disappointed in myself. I am disgusted.

I remember when I was in first grade in elementary, when I learned about the second law of thermodynamics and the term entropy-the loss of energy due to work, or so I think. The question is why I remembered it (I think there is something more erroneous here). In a googol years, the universe will end-or more accurately, everything will already be destabilized, except for subatomic particles, which doesn't have the energy anymore to bump to each other.

That figuratively resembles my situation as of now. Why? Let us reword the meaning of entropy, to something that quite relates to mine. The loss of motivation due to procrastination and frustration. The term itself is corny, right? I mean, someone who was motivated at the first days should not be complaining about the things that he himself brought upon himself right?

"But, I still need to wait for at least 19-20 days before I can re-enter NWA once more."

True. That is a lot of time. I keep telling myself not to be dependent of my skills as of now, because my skills were no good enough at the first place-precisely the very reason why I was demoted to a mere contributor. My existence as a proud writer is not yet in the close to being real, for I myself am erroneous in many ways possible, ranging from attitude to talent, all of them, without any exceptions, are all wrong and disappointing. How rude I was to be proud already with my mediocre skills. Life is harsh and I really know that-that is my favourite quote.

"Writing does not have to be in isolation you know? That's why the communities and the forums exist, and especially, NWA."

I remember the words of one of the most legendary writers of NWA Synopses Division, and one of the main leaders of the NWA Articles Division-Lianbert Deepsea. I think I regret being prideful now-and to think that I was already being regretful right now. Lianbert's words is one of the things that actually give me motivation right now. Good thing I remembered it.

"But I am a lone wolf, I think I cannot work with others, but I actually accept the suggestions of people higher than me."

Okay, so I really think that right now, my personality and my attitudes are taking up a really serious wrong point here. One of the most effective way of writing was socialization-and that is something that I actually lack. However, things are really complicated if we choose to point out things like that, especially when the person in question is me. I once wrote an article about being true to yourself, not minding the violent and the damaging opinions of others-yet I am hypocritical about it. I actually mind the opinions of others, thinking that it would thoroughly damage me from inside.

It actually fills me with the anxiety, the bad feelings of being opinionated as a very negative kind of person, how could I say this...um...proud and boastful? It seems like this is paranoia, but I think it is not.

Wait a minute. I think I may be getting ahead of myself. I had said this before. I think that I think that they think of me as someone thinking he is pretentious and something of value, but the real thing is, I think that they think nothing of me-and that gives me mixed feelings to me.

If they think of me as someone negative, then that can give me the motivation in order to improve the qualities negative about me. It's easy to say, but it's hard-and it's worth it if I succeed. However, if they think of me as nothing, let me rephrase that, if they do not think of me as anything at all, that gives many complications.

First, is that they do not care whether I exist or not. That's kind of a natural, considering the time of my service there-short-lived, only two months, or to be strictly saying, 60 days and 4 hours. Am I that obsessed? Maybe I am-I am creepy. Second, is that is kind of reassuring, in the terms that they did not expect anything out of me, so whether I improve or not is something small to them. And that thought gives me an a-okay, for a little of their attention is important to me, and what's more important, is the privilege of writing for NWA, which I have said many times, is one of the best things to ever happen in my life.

Just think of the things that will happen ASSUMING that I re-entered on the first try. Will they give laurels, even just for a little bit? That may be too pretentious. How about a welcome? Is it something too farfetched? Although I think it is, I think that I have finally regained one thing that I entirely lack-motivation in writing once more.

And then to think that I am writing a 50,000-word novel and its synopsis for practice...but I also think that novels and synopses are two entirely different things. But that is okay with me, along with the many grammatical errors I committed in this entry. I must stock up in many more things right now-skill, talent, procatalepses, praegnans contructios, synonymias, and things that needs more direct attention from me, so that I can improve myself to the better, selfishly, for my sake, so that I can be satisfied.

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Afterword!

Once in a while, I wrote something long, and that is a very big surprise not only to you, who think that this is bad enough, but to me also.

This story also got me confused: Where is the plot?

There is no plot. This is actually a day-by-day entry, like a diary, but focusing more on being reflective essays-showing proof that I did what Annabelle told me what to do. For more info, go back to Day 1. If anyone thinks he/she/he-she/she-he knows Annabelle in real life, please feel free to PM me about it. And yes, not that creepy doll. I refused to watch it. Procatalepsis be like.

E32