Demoted!!!

Day 8 -A Great Disappointment

November 2, 2017.

With the things happening to me currently, I never even once thought that I would once lose motivation to re-enter the organization I thought was the best for me. I had my reasons not to lose motivation. But to think that I really did lose motivation—it was so frustrating to me, even if it was just a bit, for one day. How could I write such a short piece of (essay) story?

I am disappointed with myself.

The mere thought of being like that makes my whole existence, even me, to cringe. My sudden realization makes it so that I want to crush myself into pieces—that is how I am frustrated and at the same time, totally disgusted with myself.

These times, I know that I should cram myself, learning on how to improve my skills vastly in my written works. But, to human nature, I keep procrastinating and skipping the things that I should do, conveniently, the important ones. I thought that I have resolved to use 100% of my skill and intelligence to re-enter that organization. But why do I keep failing? Is it a lack of motivation?

But once more, I have my motivations. I have the reason not to waver. Yet it seems that I am already wavering. It is still the eighth day. I still have 22 days to wait. However, 22 days are hard to wait. It is a very long time. I thought I have resolved to use this much time to improve myself. What is happening to me? Am I getting worse and worse all of a sudden? No, Paul, you must not be defeated by what they call laziness. Get up and do your job.

However, it seems like this job is unrewarding. Did I mention that everyone's membership in NWA is voluntary and it is monetarily unpaid? But what they do is legendary, and if your writing gets published—it will stay there forever to become a legend? So the jobs there are unpaid in money, but instead, paid in satisfaction (and slave work, which is awesome). Never once in my life I thought that this is just a bother, but why am I having these thoughts now? Am I having doubts about re-entering NWA? NWA is amazing and I acknowledge it from the bottom of my heart—that's why, once again, I need to re-enter.

But it seems that my lazy self is hindering me. What a pain. I once again think to re-evaluate myself. Lots of rethinking and self-reflections. It seems like I have a lot to do before I can improve myself by cramming in English Grammar. Should I postpone my 30-day plan? But I'd like to re-enter as soon as possible. Should I cram now? I have not been logging in to my account in Dissension lately. Maybe that's a bad idea. What shall I do? Am I now being confused in my way of life? Someone help me. Please. But I don't think that would be good. I need to solve this myself. For it is the sole way I can improve the person who I am right now.

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Afterword!

One more short entry. Tsk. One more short, boring entry. Now that's better.